A number of questions flooded my mind when I RSVPed “yes” to a twelve-person orgy. Was I required to bring some sort of gift: a cake, a twelve pack of wine coolers, a leather-bound sex-slave? Would condoms and lube be provided? What about bathrobes and moist towelettes? Could I bring a plus one? Should I pack a lunch? Emily Post never wrote about the etiquette of group sex, and I couldn’t find any reputable online guides to navigating the nuances of orgies. Consequently I resolved to use my invitation to educate others on the ins and outs of hosting a successful sex party.
When I arrived on the set of Wicked’s Holly… Would, the air was thick with the hiss of aerosol bottles and the scent of beauty products. Samantha Saint rubbed lotion on her award winning tits. Another model asked around for a spare douche. Standing naked on the stairs, Asa Akira asked for directions to the “enema bathroom.”
I sat on a couch between Sophia Fiore and Remy LaCroix. In the midst of all this personal primping, our conversation naturally veered toward a debate on what scents were preferred of a woman’s rose garden.
“My favorite pussy smell is fresh laundry pussy,” said LaCroix. “That smell makes me totally get why guys sniff panties.”
Fiore interjected a few points on which floral notes make for the best pussy bouquet.
Tip #1: At your next orgy, provide guests with plenty of bathrooms stocked with an arsenal of hygiene products and air fresheners. These are essential weapons in combating the natural enemy of sex parties: body funk.
I found myself next to Asa Akira and her freshly enemaed ass shortly after all the orgy participants were herded onto set. Having just read her autobiography, Asa Akira: Insatiable, I knew entirely too much about her to have a normal conversation. I knew how many times she had hooked, what drugs she did on the subway ride to school, and how she met her husband during a magical DP scene. The only question that kept coming to my mind was: “So when you wrote that you have a tendency to get carried away during group sex and fuck everyone on set, does that include stray writers covering the shoot?”
I managed to maintain my pretense of professionalism and ask about Holly… Would. Akira played the madame of a high-end brothel. Saint played an undercover cop seduced by the criminal enterprise she was assigned to take down. Today they were filming the movie’s “climactic orgy scene.” Just as romantic comedies often conclude with marriage, plot pornos often end with orgies. Massive fuck-fests provide convenient ways to bring all the principals back on stage for a grand finale of splayed limbs and explosive body fluids.
The studio space was converted into the bar of a high-end brothel. The liquor shelves were more heavily stacked than Summer Brielle’s chest. Despite my initial excitement at the sight of all those unopened bottles, the bar was merely for show. These were professionals. They didn’t need alcohol to loosen their nerves or clothes.
Tip #2: Hiring a professional bartender for your next orgy will help break the ice and ensure that no one becomes too intoxicated. Nothing kills a sex party faster than projectile vomit or an unconscious body sprawled in the middle of a sex fiesta.
Buddha statues accented the faux brothel, making the space resemble a temple offering transcendence through group sex. Pleather couches circled the space, undoubtedly recycled from a previous porno set.
Tip #3: Outfit your sex room with nonabsorbent furniture, or rent a hotel suite that will be serviced by a squadron of callused maids who are accustomed to cleaning up used condoms strewn about like gooey land mines.
Just before the orgy was scheduled to kick off, I loaded up on protein bars and turkey wraps in the break room. I wanted to have my energy levels up incase I was called into the action as an alternate. Most of the female performers were cautious about what they ingested. Fiore only popped a few grapes. Another model sipped a pre-workout shake.
Tip #4: When catering an all-day orgy, pick light snacks over heavy foods like chili, BBQ, or tacos, as these orgy faux pas can have ghastly consequences. Also, bottles of mouthwash should be as numerous as bags of Doritos.
Wicked director, Brad Armstrong, was the calm leader directing traffic during this cluster-fuck. He ordered the performers to swab their genitals, brush their teeth, and get dressed for the scene. The men donned suits sans underwear for a classy but functional look. James Deen didn’t bring black socks so Armstrong tossed him a pair of dirty ones. This wasn’t Armstrong’s first sex rodeo. He was prepared for anything. His calm leadership emulated the Buddha statues; he was the high priest teaching Zen and the art of orgies.
The performers collected on the couches while Armstrong went over the orgy’s ground rules, of which there was only one: LaCroix was a lesbian for the day. This meant she could touch the guys but the guys couldn’t touch her.
Armstrong asked who wanted to pair up with whom first. Most participants just looked to the person they randomly sat beside and nodded. A few shook hands and introduced themselves. LaCroix called dibs on Saint, but she had to share her with Deen.
Tip #5: Orgies are like kindergarten; they’re an exercise in sharing the toys you wish you could have all to yourself.
Deen raised his hand during the pre-sex briefing.
“Is anyone getting fucked in the ass today?” he asked.
It was a great question.
“Obviously I am,” Akira said.
Tip #6: Don’t volunteer your ass for anal duty at an orgy unless you want to turn your balloon knot into a bull’s-eye, or unless you’re a seasoned professional like Akira whose asshole is nationally ranked.
The film crew debated whether the AC should be shut off to eliminate white noise.
“If we turn it off,” one of the cameramen said, “in about twenty minutes it’s going to smell like a Mexican zoo in here.”
With the summer heat knocking at the studio door, it was decided to leave the AC on.
Tip #7: Sex rooms should be well-ventilated spaces outfitted with oversized AC units. If participants wanted to have group sex in sweltering cesspools of sweat and filth they’d go to bathhouses.
Akira and Saint ran through a few lines of dialogue. As if reading my mind, Akira asked Armstrong, “What should I be doing with my hands during this scene? I feel like I should be holding a drink or something.”
Tip #8: If you host an alcohol free orgy, provide participants with Rubik’s Cubes or party favors to occupy them while waiting to undress.
Playing the part of a cocktail waitress, LaCroix served glasses filled with Fanta and Gatorade to couples lounging in the background of Akira and Saint’s scene. Between takes, some of the actors stroked their dicks through their pants. Deen was reprimanded for kissing Saint too aggressively between takes, as she still had a few close-ups to shoot and needed her makeup untouched.
“Can we get all the way naked on this take?” one of the models asked after the group had filmed several takes of the intro scene.
This was the question on everyone’s lips. The actors had to get undressed and dressed about five times while the crew captured x-rated and softcore versions of the film, along with still photos for the box cover. This had a detrimental effect on the morale of several erections.
Tip #9: As orgy host your primary responsibility is to eliminate as many potential boner kills as possible, such as greasy lube fires or a playlist overloaded with boy bands.
Soon the orgy was in full swing. Vacant clothes lay lifeless on the floor. Condoms were opened like candy wrappers and the rubbers turned into penis-shaped balloon animals. Production assistants (PAs) collected the discarded clothes and moved them out of the shot.
Tip #10: It’s helpful to have a non-sex room where participants can store their clothes so these garments don’t inadvertently become sex rugs or blow-job bibs.
“Grind it, don’t pound it,” one of the cameramen reminded the actors while filming the softcore version of the sex scene.
The key to softcore scenes is to keep the dicks hidden, as mainstream audiences hate penises. Naturally the best place to hide these offending members is inside costars.
After all of the couples faked internal orgasms for the conclusion of the softcore take, the crew took a break so the performers could clean their genitals and swab their asses with baby wipes.
Tip #11: Provide several family-pack stacks of baby wipes to keep participants from wiping themselves on your rugs, towels, and tapestries.
During the break the PAs ran around like the ball-shaggers at a professional tennis match; instead of collecting tennis balls, they shagged water bottles, wadded baby wipes, and used condoms.
The performers on Viagra stuck out like sore thumbs. The men who abstained from performance enhancing drugs constantly coddled their dicks between takes as if stroking the egos of insecure actors.
The men cycled through condoms like Nascar drivers burning through tires. Just before diving into Akira’s ass, Deen raised his hands and said, “I need a condom to have sex with Asa Akira.” A PA delivered one to him instantly.
Deen’s enthusiasm for Akira’s ass caused him to knock over a cocktail glass. The broken glass brought the orgy to a grinding halt as the PAs rushed to clean it up.
Tip #12: Paid attendants can help facilitate your next orgy like human lube. Just make sure to provide them with an abundance of latex gloves, a sizable tip, and enough condoms to outfit the Olympic wrestling team on a trip to South America.
The energy rose with a cacophony of grunts and moans. The sound of spanks echoed through the room. Participants cycled to different partners like they were playing musical chairs. Deen was cautioned not to play too rough, as overly aggressive sex wasn’t in tune with the sensual rhythm of this particular orgy.
Tip #13: The orgy-master should serve as referee and maestro, calling fouls and making sure everyone is on the same page.
“Who’s DPing Asa?” Mr. Pete and Deen asked almost in unison. Both men answered their own question, volunteering themselves to be the buns on either end of the Akira sandwich.
Meanwhile I sat on the sidelines guzzling Capri Suns and taking selfies to make my friends with real jobs question their life choices.
Tip #14: Like at the movies, cellphones should be turned off and put away at the beginning of a sex party, unless the orgy is being filmed for mass consumption.
The cameras circled the room to capture each actor’s pop shot. LaCroix, the designated lesbian for the day, fled the room to keep from getting caught in the splash zone.
Tip #15: It’s not a bad idea to provide rain ponchos to orgy attendants and passive observers.
After the actors blew their loads, they exited the studio one by one to shower. The remaining crew had to compensate for the lack of background sex noises during the final shots. The cameramen adjusted their lenses and moaned. The sound guy extended his boom mic and groaned. The PAs strapped on their rubber gloves and spanked the leather couches. I started to clap, then stop, realizing that clapping wasn’t a pre-approved sex noise.
To be honest, I was still a bit confused as to what my role in the orgy was. I felt like the kid at the carnival who was too short to enjoy the big boy rides. I was the runt on the little league team with inferior bat handling skills forced to ride the bench. Should I have cheered on the real players? Should I have given them encouraging thumbs up from the sidelines? Was it appropriate to slap their asses and say, “Good hustle”?
Only later did I learn that one of the male performers didn’t show up to set that day and that a few of the models had assumed I was the missing 12th man in the orgy. I couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if I had arrived prepared for such an event with a copy of a recent health screening clearing me for active duty. Would anyone have objected to me slipping in to fill the hole? This taught me the most valuable lesson when it comes to orgies.
Tip #16: Be prepared for anything.
Order Holly… Would at wicked.com
Follow Alfie on twitter, @shawnalff and instagram, @shawnalff. Read more of his adventures in the world of adult entertainment at shawnalff.com
