Hello, Friday. In a magically depressing bit of time travel, we need to relive the horrors of Thursday before we can advance meaningfully toward the weekend, where no doubt a plethora of shit happening awaits.
The race is on to the 2018 hurricane season, and it's gonna be a photo finish: Will the first storm of the season develop before we get to June 1, no doubt causing climate change deniers to talk about how they use an "alternative calendar" or will we slide uneventfully into the season and hold onto hope for a few more moments that we're not melting all the glaciers, threatening the penguins and dissolving our coral reefs with acidic seas? Odds are, when we're back Monday, we'll be chatting with you about ... Alberto. Which is reassuring, because that's kind of a doofy name for a hurricane.
Someone left a brand-new human near an intersection Tampa. The baby was only hours old, and, unlike the one hit by asshole street- racing teens on Bayshore yesterday, authorities expect this baby to live. Now, it's tempting here to rail against the mother, but before we do, let's all take a deep breath and think about how horrible a place she had to be in to leave her baby by the side of the road. But sure, let's restrict access to healthcare, birth control and abortions for people who know they absolutely cannot be the type of parent who won't leave their baby by the side of the road. Also, in Florida, you can't go to jail for bringing your baby to a fire station, hospital or emergency medical station, so remember: you won't get in trouble for that. Leaving the baby by the side of the road? Not such a great idea.
Pro tip: If you're gonna steal a car, maybe don't drive the stolen vehicle to the beach, where there's only one way on and one way off. Seems like the sort of thing we shouldn't have to explain to auto thieves, but, hey, what do we know? We've writers, not car thieves.
Now some bad news/good news for fans of man made, crystal blue "lagoons." Inspectors stopped construction on Pasco County's Crystal Lagoon after inspectors found structures — including tiki huts, cabanas and bath houses, plus a shop and pool treatment plant — not included in the lagoon's originally approved plans. A new round of permitting is on the way, according to officials, and the Metro Development group building the pool has been fined $9,518. "The Crystal Lagoon at Epperson unfortunately did not open as we all hoped on May 19," Metro Development released in a statement. "This is the first-ever Crystal Lagoon in the United States, and while exciting, that means the review processes are all new, and that is requiring more certifications. " What he meant to say: "And we've gotten away with it, too, if not for those meddling kids!"