Queened Out: Another year and another lonely night

I have always thought that your 20s are meant for you to find love. This time is when life comes together, so by the time I’m in my 30s I would be settling down and have that picture-perfect life I always like to talk about. But is it always that simple? Is it always as simple as one year I’m looking for love, the next year I find it, and the next year we're settled down with two kids? I wish it were so, but unfortunately it’s not that easy.

The other night, I went out to a restaurant and had dinner by myself. As my server began to clear the other place settings at my table, I had to keep reminding myself that it was okay that I was there alone, that I didn’t need someone to be sitting at the table with me. Looking around the room, it became more and more evident that I was the only single person there. I could tell this from all the couples sitting around me, having a nice romantic dinner and also from the looks I received from all of them; it seemed as if they all felt bad for me. I could only imagine what they all must have been thinking: “That poor kid, sitting all alone with nobody to love him.” But that’s the part where they were wrong; I had someone to love me.

I began to ignore the looks and the stares and just started to enjoy my dinner, and yes, it was so lovely. After dinner I went on home and had a movie night by myself, a night without cuddling up to someone else. I guess I was cuddling up to two men, Mr. Ben and Jerry. Even without a companion, it was probably one of the most perfect and relaxing nights I have had this whole year — and I did it all by myself.

I have really started to realize that in life things aren’t always going to turn out how we may want them to. I may not get that college scholarship, or I may not be captain of the football team, or I may not be prom king. But if there is one thing that I can change it is my attitude and my outlook on everything. I can change the way I think about things, and that will ultimately make me a happier person than being the captain of the football team.

One thing I plan to change is how happy I am. It is something so easy to do, too! Happiness is all in the eye of the beholder. Instead of thinking about how I’m going to spend New Year’s Eve alone in the dressing room, I’m going to think about it as I’m spending New Year’s Eve with the most gorgeous man in the bar… myself.

When you really step back and think about it, do we really need anyone else to make us happy? Yes, I will agree it is amazing to have someone to cuddle up to late at night and all that mushy romantic bull crap, but I can cuddle up to my pillow just the same as a man. And it’s a heated pillow, so the argument of a warm body being better doesn’t stand in this court!

Basically, what I’m trying to sum up is that we all just need to be happy with ourselves. We all need to find the love in ourselves before we worry about love from others and the problems associated with it. There are so many obstacles when it comes to love and relationships; having no love for yourself doesn’t need to be another one. So on this New Year’s Eve, as the countdown begins and the ball begins to drop, instead of looking around for the closest, least grotesque person to make out with, simply smile, and know that you are all you need. Just don’t go trying to make out with yourself, you might get a few weird looks.

As the year comes to an end and New Year's Eve begins approaches, I can’t help but think about the tradition every year. The tradition to have that first kiss by someone on the new year right at midnight. As the countdown begins we all start looking around to see who is close by that we could kiss at that exact moment. It might be hard to look around and find someone though hiding in back in the dressing room alone.

This year has been a great year for me, I’ve accomplished many things that I’m so happy about. For example, this column for Creative Loafing, being a part of the world’s first Mermaid drag queen calendar, and the other opportunities I have received throughout the drag world this past year. There are so many things to be happy for and so many things to be grateful for; the only thing missing from this year is love.

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