You want remakes? We got remakes.
In the summer of 2005, franchises, adaptations and remakes of all shapes and sizes (although mostly super-sized) will define Hollywood as never before. A full third of this summer's new releases involve recycled material of some sort, from comic book adaptations (Fantastic Four, Batman Begins, Aeon Flux) to video games (Doom) to big screen versions of TV shows (The Honeymooners, Bewitched, Dukes of Hazzard). The most popular sort of remake remains the classic model, however, and Hollywood will be cheerfully recycling itself this summer in the form of The Bad News Bears, The Longest Yard, War of the Worlds and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, just to name a few. Hey, even Herbie the Love Bug is back.
At this point it might be fair to ask if all this reprocessing is really smart marketing or just laziness, whether it signals Hollywood's crafty embrace of the postmodern era or if it's just the natural instinct of dogs lapping up their own vomit. Tough questions, but we'll have to leave them for sometime after August, when the temperature drops and we can all think a bit more clearly again.
The big, testosterone-oozing Event Movies that will lord over the summer landscape are all present and accounted for in the following preview guide, but so are the dark horses, interesting oddities and a few things you might not even have heard of. And if all this summer madness starts seeming a bit too much, don't despair. It's always darkest just before the dawn, and by the time Rob Schneider shows up in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, you can rest assured that fall is right around the corner.
May 13:
MONSTER-IN-LAW
Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda in a diva death match. Don't get your hopes up: It's only a movie, so one really gets hurt.
UNLEASHED
Jet Li as a mob enforcer yearning to get away from it all. The sensitive side of termination with extreme prejudice. Morgan Freeman shows up to add a little class to the proceedings.
KICKING & SCREAMING
More Oedipal family fun. The same week that J-Lo squares off with big mama Jane Fonda, we get father and son Will Ferrell and Robert Duvall locking horns as coaches for competing kids' soccer teams.
May 19:
STAR WARS: EPISODE III – REVENGE OF THE SITH
Here's one you may have heard a little something about. We all know what's going to happen here – that nice little Skywalker boy finally unleashes his inner Darth Vader – so if Episode III is going to work at all, it's really going to have to convince us. The odds of that happening are pretty slim, frankly, but does it really matter? Even if this sucks thousand-year-old eggs, we're all still going to see it. But just think of all the fun we'll have grumbling as it goes on to become the top-grossing movie of the 21st Century.
May 20:
EXORCIST: DOMINION
One of the more bizarre episodes in recent Hollywood history is Exorcist: The Beginning, originally directed by erratic visionary Paul Schrader (Auto-Focus, American Gigolo) but summarily shelved by the studio for being too un-commercial, and then completely remade by hired-gun Renny Harlin. Harlin's version was released to theaters and tanked big time, and the legend surrounding Schrader's original version has grown, so the studio's finally wising up and putting Schrader's tentatively re-titled Exorcist: Dominion in limited release around the country, giving us a look at what we should have seen in the first place. This prequel to the famous franchise focuses on the early years of Max von Sydow's demon-battling priest.
May 27:
THE LONGEST YARD
Put Adam Sandler and Chris Rock together in a summer movie and you pretty much know what you're getting into. Add sports to the mix and you've got a love-it-or-hate-it proposition. This one's a remake of the 1974 comedy about prison inmates putting together a football team and challenging the guards. Burt Reynolds, who starred in the original, makes an obligatory appearance.
MADAGASCAR
It ain't Pixar, but it's certain to have enough computer-generated talking animals to keep the kiddies happy. Basically, the film chronicles the adventures of a quartet of critters who escape from the zoo and eventually find the true meaning of (insert your favorite lofty concept here). In a continuing effort to populate these animated movies with the most irritating voice talent possible, DreamWorks has rounded up Chris Rock and David Schwimmer for this one. Robin Williams, apparently, was not available.
June 1:
THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS
One of this summer's handful of bona fide chick flicks, Sisterhood is based on a best-selling novel about four female friends who swap secrets and share custody of a pair of "magical" jeans that fits each of them perfectly. Doesn't sound like the most hygienic form of bonding, but we'll try to be open-minded. Features Gilmore Girl Alexis Bledel, who will hopefully demonstrate that her abysmal performance in Sin City was only a fluke.
June 3:
CINDERELLA MAN
Ron Howard and Russell Crowe reunite for a biopic about one of the original comeback kids, Depression-era boxer James Braddock. This is the team from A Beautiful Mind, so expect Tough, Sensitive and Heartwarming, in equal measures. Heavyweight thespians Paul Giamatti and Renée Zellweger are on hand to seal the film's status as Oscar Bait.
LORDS OF DOGTOWN
Now here's one of the stranger remake scenarios of the summer. Director Stacy Peralta took his own documentary on teen skaters, Dogtown and Z-Boys, adapted it as a screenplay, and handed it over to another filmmaker, director Catherine Hardwicke, who turned it into a big screen drama featuring bland boy stars Heath Ledger and Emile Hirsch.
HIGH TENSION
Also known as Haute Tension and as Switchblade Romance, this intense and outrageously bloody slasher flick combines the stylized violence of Dario Argento with a quirky, John Carpenter-like love of genre (and yes, I've already seen this one, so I'm not fantasizing). If you thought the Scream films were trying just a little too hard to be clever, and if you're wondering if there's life after Sin City, this might be just the ticket.
June 10:
THE ADVENTURES OF SHARK BOY AND LAVA GIRL
Director Robert Rodriguez is back in PG-rated territory, with a 3D fantasy about a lonely 10-year-old teaming up for amazing adventures with his super-powered pals Shark Boy and Lava Girl. Rodriguez's last attempt at 3-D, Spy Kids 3D: Game Over, had viewers reportedly leaving the theater with blinding, 3D-generated headaches. Hopefully, they've mastered the technology since then.
THE BAD NEWS BEARS
Another curious instance of a smart director remaking average-at-best material. No doubt emboldened by his recent success at dipping his toes in the mainstream (with The School Of Rock), that once and former Slacker Richard Linklater gives us a new version of the 1976 comedy about a team of pathetic Little Leaguers and the crusty coach who leads them to glory. Billy Bob Thornton stars, playing what looks to be a close relation of his decidedly non-PC Bad Santa persona.
THE HONEYMOONERS
An all-black remake of the all-white '50s TV show, with Cedric the Entertainer stepping into Jackie Gleason's shoes. The real question here is whether Cedric's character will finally make good on Gleason's long-standing threat to send his significant other "to the moon." Nothing says comedy like spousal abuse.
MR. AND MRS. SMITH
The plot – a True Lies-like scenario about an ordinary married couple who turn out to be professional assassins – barely matters. What's important here is that the stars are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, and that the couple's notorious liaison reportedly crystallized during the making of the film. Doug Limon, another previously edgy filmmaker (Swingers) reborn as a mainstream contender (Elf), directs.
June 15:
BATMAN BEGINS
Okay, I'm excited. A good director (Memento's Christopher Nolan), an interesting writer (Blade's David S. Goyer) and a great cast (Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman, Ken Watanabe and Liam Neeson) are only some of the reasons to want to see this latest addition to the long-stalled Batman franchise. Expect a significantly darker edge to this retooled look at the Dark Knight's origin. And, best of all, no Robin!
June 17:
THE PERFECT MAN
Hillary Duff offers dating advice to her divorced but still foxy mom (Heather Locklear), and the world becomes a safer, happier place.
June 24:
BEWITCHED
Yet another director too clever for the material with which she's dealing, Nora Ephron, directs a remake of the vintage television series about a suburban housewife who's really a witch. The vaguely pomo twist here is that the movie is actually about some folks doing a remake of the TV show, and the actress (Nicole Kidman) playing the witch in the remake really is one. Is that all meta-meta enough for you? Will Ferrell and Shirley MacLaine round out the cast.
HERBIE: FULLY LOADED
Lord help us. Not only has Herbie the Volkswagen Bug been resurrected from well-deserved pop culture oblivion, but he's now a NASCAR competitor, with big-boned Lindsay Lohan (looking more drag queen-ish than ever) squeezing herself into the driver's seat. Look closely and you'll find Michael Keaton and Matt Dillon slumming here.
LAND OF THE DEAD
Twenty years after he wound up his legendary zombie trilogy with Day of the Dead, director George Romero unexpectedly offers up a fourth installment in the series, with a premise that builds intriguingly on what went before. The world pretty much belongs to the living dead this time out, as the remnants of human civilization (including Simon Baker, Dennis Hopper and John Leguizamo) pretend it's business-as-usual behind the walls of a fortified city. For horror buffs, this could be one of the high points of this or any other summer.
June 29:
WAR OF THE WORLDS
Talk about your coming of age stories. Grizzled ET auteur Steven Spielberg finally owns up to the possibility that all aliens might not like to cuddle in this big budget retelling of H.G. Welles' classic account of an extraterrestrial invasion. The special effects-laden trailers make it all look very Independence Day, but we're obviously hoping for a bit more. Tom Cruise stars.
July 8:
FANTASTIC FOUR
The latest Marvel superheroes to hit the big screen arrive at least five years too late and, from the looks of it, a few dollars too short. With sophisticated family fare like The Incredibles already effectively spoofing the whole dysfunctional super-family concept, it's unlikely that many will be able to take a super-stretchable father figure too seriously, not to mention his invisible spouse, flaming teen brother-in-law and an angst-ridden pal who resembles a pile of orange boulders. A troubled production history and some cheap-looking trailers indicate that this won't be one of Marvel's mega-hits a la Spider-Man, but will probably wind up lumped with misses like Daredevil and The Hulk.
DARK WATER
Class act director Walter Salles (Central Station, Motorcycle Diaries) adapts an atmospheric creepfest from the guy responsible for the original Japanese version of The Ring. Also on board is a great cast including Jennifer Connelly, Tim Roth, John C. Reilly and Pete Postlethwaite. Not quite sure what this is doing showing up in the sensationalistic depths of summer, but hey – any port in a storm.
July 15:
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
Tim Burton together again with Johnny Depp, in what on the surface sounds like a dream remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Burton's been in a bit of a slump lately, though, so let's hope this is more in line with the inspired oddness of Edward Scissorhands rather than the forced Fellini-esque rehashings of Big Fish. In any event, it's bound to be a step up from Burton's last foray into remake-land, Planet of the Apes.
INTO THE BLUE
Smugglers, buried treasure and Jessica Alba in a bikini. Any questions?
July 22:
THE ISLAND
What would summer be without a movie from Michael Bay? The man who brought us Bad Boys and Pearl Harbor rips off Logan's Run and THX-1138 this time around, with some futuristic action involving clones making a mad dash for freedom. There might even be a message in there if we look hard enough. Ewan McGregor and Scarlet Johansson are the clones.
WEDDING CRASHERS
Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn crash weddings in search of free booze and bridesmaids. Lots of good buzz on this one, with Vaughn reportedly amping up the Old School craziness.
July 29:
THE BROTHERS GRIMM
Can this really be Terry Gilliam's first film since Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas way back in 1998 – seven years ago? Sounding a wee bit like The Frighteners, The Brothers Grimm stars Matt Damon and Heath Ledger as hucksters who find the demons and beasties they've been claiming to exorcize are actually real. Bring it on.
MUST LOVE DOGS
One of the summer's few romantic comedies features single gal Diane Lane trying to cozy up to a canine-loving John Cusack. Might be just the thing for the dog days of summer.
STEALTH
Rob Cohen, who has directed his share of successful, slam-bang action flicks (XXX, The Fast and the Furious), is back with a new one about a computerized, state-of-the-art fighter plane that goes haywire. It's War Games meets 2001's Hal on a gazillion dollar budget, so how can we refuse?
August 5:
DOOM
Five little words say it all: Based on a video game. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson blowing stuff up real good.
THE DUKES OF HAZZARD
Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott are the titular good ol' boys in this completely unnecessary remake of yet another '70s TV show. Hillbillies, moonshine, fast cars, and Jessica Simpson in some Daisy Dukes. Looking forward to Willie Nelson in this one. Not looking forward to Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg.
FOUR BROTHERS
Director John Singleton back in gritty, urban mode with a crime drama about reunited foster brothers trying to get to the bottom of their mom's murder. Should be interesting watching OutKast's Andre Benjamin interacting with Mark Wahlberg.
August 12:
AEON FLUX
MTV's animated heroine of yore hits the big screen aided by the star power of Charlize Theron. The movie seems to have jettisoned the more daring, experimental aspects of the decade-old MTV series in favor of a more straight-ahead, sci-fi action approach, and Theron certainly looks the part in that form-fitting outfit. Don't expect Monster.
THE SKELETON KEY
One more haunted house movie to wind down the season. An atypically un-bubbly Kate Hudson is a live-in nurse in a creepy Bayou mansion, dealing with things that go bump in the night. The ever-reliable Gena Rowlands is on hand to sweeten the deal.
DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO
And this, my friends, is probably about as low as you can go – which means that the fat lady has sung, and we can all bid a (hopefully) reasonably fond adieu to yet another summer at the movies.
lance.Goldenberg@weeklyplanet.com
This article appears in May 12-18, 2005.