Reasons why you didn't get that second date: rules to date (or not) by

You thought the first date went off well, but for some reason you are now suffering “Mr. Telephone Man” syndrome.

Below are ten reasons (five general and five of my own) that might explain why you are striking out. Note: These are meant to apply to men and women because we’re all guilty of striking out.

General

5) You’re a poser and it shows

Pretending to like something in order to hook up with someone almost never works. Somewhere in the conversation you will tell that jazz lover you’ve been hitting up, how much you love Cab Calloways’s sax playing. The other person will respond by either rolling their eyes and walking away or outright calling you a lying prat. Not to mention, pretending to like something when you actually hate it means you will be spending hours doing something you dislike. Better to be upfront about not liking whatever it is that s/he is into and focus on what you are into. If it turns out that the attraction does not go beyond physical, you have two options: a) work with it or b) move on.

Moral of the story: Be yourself and find someone who likes that person.

4) You’re mean to animals and/or children.            

Think punting Fluffy and Little Timmy across the yard is fun? Well, the person you’re attempting hook up with does not. “The kid was a brat” or “the critter bites everyone that comes near it” are not valid excuses. You’re an adult. If you can’t keep your temper in check around a rowdy child or an annoying animal, you are telling people that you have next to no patience. Either that or that you just like to beat up on anyone or thing that’s weaker than you are. Not cool.

Moral of the story: Animals and kids are not for hitting.

3) You’ve Got Issues and They Don’t Want to Pay

You’re haunted by the backstabbing you got from your ex or was it your best friend? After the first half an hour of listening to you cover the betrayal(s) of years past, the other person began thinking up excuses to cut the date short. When you tossed in that you still haven’t forgiven your parent(s) for that one Christmas when they didn’t get you the one present that would have proven their love, your date took an overly long trip to the restroom. Everyone has their issues. The trick is not to let said issues become the center of your life. If your life begins to mimic the lyrics to She’s Got Issues by the Offspring, you should probably ask for the name and number of a good professional.

Moral: Your date is not your therapist.

2) S/He is Vanilla. You Like Slap and Tickle… or Some Other Kink

The date has been going well. You’ve showered. Your manners are a ten! You have control over your life. Then you mention that you are into the Gorean Lifestyle and your date begins eyeing the exit. Knowing when to bring up one’s kinks is a tricky one that even I still have problems with. My experience is that there’s a good way and a bad way. Bad ways include walking up to someone in an establishment that is not geared towards your kink and immediately launching into said kink. I say it’s bad because you could have saved both yourself and your potential date a headache and gone to a meet up group for people that share your interests.

Moral of the Story: You are playing Russian Roulette anytime you attempt to pick up potential dates at establishments that are not known to be affiliated with your kink.

1) Poor Hygiene

Axe, Old Spice, Calgon, Bath&Body Works, Curve, Tommy, J’adore, the stuff your grandmother got from the Avon Lady – whatever cologne/perfume/bodyspray you’re using is not a substitute for bathing. Rather, the combination of body odor (B.O.) and eau d’toilet is making the people around you gag. I used to think that only socially maladjusted gamers and anime fans had this problem, but it appears to know no boundaries. Can sweat be arousing? Under the proper conditions, yes it can. Most instances of sweaty B.O.  are a sign that someone missed a much needed date with their buddies, Soap and Water. And to mi chicas, the Old Spice commercial is a lie. Sweaty ladies smell icky as well – especially in the naughty, no-no bits. That’s not even touching on the bad things that flourish below the waists of the unclean (for either gender).

Moral: It is hard to concentrate on your good points when your B.O. makes the other person want to vomit.

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These are just five general reasons why someone might not make it to that second date. I would love to hear other reasons that I might have missed. As promised, here are five of my personal reasons why someone may not get to date numero deux:

5) You refuse to use contraceptives

The saying “no glove, no love” is one of the mottos I live by. I don’t intend to have kids until after I’m married and financially ready for them. I also don’t want any STI/STDs if I can avoid it. Any potential partner that expresses acute aversion to some form of protection is translated as saying that s/he does not care about my well-being. Pass.

Moral of the Story: Wrap it up or move on.

4) You Wanted Me to Leave The Puppy

I don’t expect any other potential significant others I take on to date The Puppy, too. A simple understanding that he is a part of my life will suffice. Sadly, there are people that interpret this standing as a sign that I’m just waiting for the right person. Uhh, no. The Puppy is my primary. He would have to do something really heinous (like run over my cat or shoot my mother) for me to leave him. My dating priorities to him will always take priority over any other relationship. If a potential honey shows signs of not being able to handle that on the first date, I’m more likely to shake hands and put them in the friend zone.

Moral of the Story: See that ring? It's permanently attached to my finger.

3) Your religion, politics, or -isms run your life

My policy on other people’s  –isms, religion and/or politics is that I generally don’t care who you voted for or where you worship. You could be a staunch Catholic or a staunch Atheist. I don’t discriminate. Deal breakers are if you are a zealot, advocating discrimination against or the killing others in the name of your beliefs, sacrificing humans, or being a douche. Oh, and attempting to convert me against my will. This goes double for people who like to yell at students on college campuses.

Moral of the Story: You start preaching, I start walking.

2) You’re a virgin

Something about the combination of sexual activity + Camile + virgin male (particularly anime and gamer males) tends to result in headache inducing drama. On more than one occasion, a virgin has panted after me, swore up and down that he was quite eager and willing for sex (or heavy foreplay), and then IMed/called the next day to say that things moved a bit too fast. Then they turned into psycho ex when I moved on. So, no virgins. I do not need the headache. I have broken this rule only once since it went into affect. Doing so saddled me with The Puppy (he was made me an offer I couldn’t refuse). Some of you are probably scratching your heads and wondering how that was a bad thing. Well, you try being head over stupid for someone who started off as a sweet, adorable cutie and became a lecherous slut who seems to get off on seeing if he can make you blush in public… all while still being a sweet, adorable cutie. @[email protected]

Moral of the Story: It’s best for all involved if Camile stays away from virgins.

1) You ask me to cut ties with my family

My godmother is fond of saying “She comes by it honest” which is a euphemism for “that little quirk runs in the family.” I will not deny that my family can be a bit odd. And yes, there are times when I am eternally grateful that they live in another part of the state. But at the end of the day, we’re stalwart believers in the school of “mess with one, mess with all”. Asking me to give them is like asking me to undergo major surgery without anesthetic.

Moral of the Story: You’re not going to win this argument.

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