Review: (not) Married With Children XXX (video)

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Two things this parody nails are the set and wardrobe. The sound stage set perfectly captures the time warp that was the Bundy's house, featuring furniture from the late 70s and early 80s when vinyl wasn't just used for boat cushions. When Al's not dressed in his disheveled work clothes, he sports a Polk High gym shirt while Peg is never without her full body, multicolored tights.  Marcie is so accurately dressed as a 90s designer girl, that an unexpectedly funny scene occurs when a stripper fumbles, trying to remove her vest and mom jeans.


Eric Swiss as Al Bundy anchors the cast. While his voice is more sleazy than oafish, his deliveries and mannerisms are dead on. Ironically, Al, who we would forgive for having the body of an over-the-hill high school football star, has the most athletic male body by far, offering a suitable counterpart to the shapely actresses. The only outstandingly unbelievable character is Nick Manning, who should have practiced a few more dance moves before stumbling on set to play a stripper. To director Will Ryder's credit, he did stop Manning from saying his catch phrase, "Dropping loads."


While Bud Bundy looks nothing like the real Bud, his pubescent voice seems dubbed from the actual show. Peg is played by a very toned Brittany O'Connell, who can't match Katey Sagal's iconic, nasal whine, but does a fine job filling out Peg's spandex and rattling off one-liners. Kagney Linn Karter, who plays Kelly, is very convincing as an impossibly hot, blonde bimbo with a thing for vibrators and stray bikers.


In order to get a female perspective, I watched the film while my uninterested lady friend was in the room. After the first five minutes, she said, "This is actually kind of funny." She didn't turn away until ten minutes in, when the comedy cuts abruptly to a very nude Kelly masturbating. But, my lady friend stayed with the plot to the end, provided that I fast forward through the sex scenes. While not all of the marital and masturbation jokes hit their mark, they keep coming, aided by a laugh track that helps ease the transitions from plot to sex. The one subject the parody could have mined for comic gold was the shoe store, where, in the actual show, Al is constantly getting reprimanded for insulting large women who insist on being fitted for tiny shoes. Give us some big women. Have a special section dedicated to strippers, street walkers, or transvestites (where the hell do former men get their heels anyway?). With that said, when Al does look up a skirt we get one of the biggest laughs of the entire film.


Since this is a porn, I suppose we should talk about the sex. It's pretty standard, high quality porn, featuring female masturbation, oral sex, POV bjs, straight sex, and facial cum shots. If you're looking for fetish, anal, girl-on-girl, or group sex, this ain't your film.


I have one main suggestion, and this goes for all the porn parodies coming out as of late.  Let's assume that anyone who buys this DVD wants two things: stimulating masturbatory material and an entertaining story. Since most of these parodies come with two DVDs (one usually loaded with behind the scenes fluff) why not split up the parody and the porn. Hear me out. Have one DVD purely devoted to full length sex scenes between the characters. If viewers need some quick visual stimuli, they can just pop in this DVD and select a scene. If however, a couple or group wants to watch an adult film all the way through without excessive fast forwarding, they can play the feature length DVD. On this cut, sex scenes will be truncated versions of the full length shots, preferably fading out before the money shots (as this act is the number one reason why most women hate porn). This way, the couples are still stimulated all the way through, but the plot's action is not interrupted for long.  Not Married with Children XXX featured two perfect examples of this quick cut porn with one minute BJs that include the "studio audience's" dubbed over reaction. Just a suggestion.


The original Married With Children was a raunchy, cartoon of a sitcom, filled with sexual innuendos and over the top caricatures of sexuality (see Peg and Kelly). The advantage of the parody porn version, not Married with Children XXX, is that it can actually show all the dirty things the jokes reference, like Bud whacking off into a sink or Al looking up women's skirts at the shoe store.

Al's job is threatened as a new guy steals all his attractive female clients with the aid of ecstasy pills.  Faced with losing his job, Al employs Kelly to help catch his co-worker with his pants down. Sex and hilarity ensue.

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