Editor's note: Among Autopsy IV's many talents is opining on the awesomely crappy reality TV show "Rock of Love." Here's his latest slice of sidesplitting commentary. To catch up on his marvelous skewering, go to ninebullets.net.
Okay. I asked if people were interested in me doing these and then never actually started. I have a decent excuse...I promise. See, my in-laws came in from Honduras and we weren't watching the show...but! we were recording them and over the weekend I got caught up and I'm ready to start writing about this collection of skanks in earnest now.
When I woke up this morning I knew someone had mentioned the Brandi twins and their porn careers on the latest "Charm School" edition. You depraved fuckers had quadrupled the amount of traffic I would normally have by 7:30 in the morning....all Googling for their pron tapes. To that I gotta ask; Are you fucking serious? Do you really wanna see some dude's spooge running down Brandi M.'s face before you've had your morning coffee? Do you really wanna see Brandi C.'s cobbled up axe wound before breakfast?
No, you don't...I've seen em both...it was horrible. Now, if Jessica wants to pose topless..then we're onto something.
The commandment on this week's episode was "Thou Shalt Rock Thy Body". You can imagine the disappointment when a house full of whores, strippers and porn queens learned that "rocking thy body" had nothing to do with bodily fluids.
The girls go out to the courtyard to see a collection of booths featuring top shelf whiskey, tequila, cigars, cheese and wine. The girls get to cycle around to each booth trying the wares while the attendants try desperately to explain how to enjoy the items. This really reminded me of my dog. See, I can be eating something so delicious, so decadent and I'll (as I'm often wont to do) give some to the dog...only, she doesn't even chew it. One swallow, it's gone. That's the way these girls are with the booze. Top shelf whiskey slammed like it's Old Crow or something. I'd venture that some of the bottles of wine cost more than these hags' rent, while their only basis for comparison is Boones Farm Strawberry wine. Dallas eventually bores with the wine and cheese offerings and starts to make a run at the local sausage selection (sorry babe, The Pick-Up Artist comes on in the next hour).