On the one hand this experience has turned me into a veritable DIY goddess. After rebuilding the floor I feel like I can accomplish most anything with the right power tools. For the most part I enjoy this sort of work. It's a relief to take a break from all the "networking" that goes with my job(s) in the sex industry. I may flog men for money but the job of 'dominatrix' requires many more hours spent schmoozing at parties and answering emails rather than beating boys. I'm actually deeply introverted and all the socializing has worn me down in recent months. One of the reasons Tia's move is necessary is because I've decided to stop doing in-person sessions for a while; thus I no longer have a need to maintain, and pay for, a studio space.
On the other hand, what seemed like a good financial move may turn out to be disastrous for my relationship with Tia.
In my fantasies he prances around the worksite in booty shorts, striped tube socks and a pink tool belt, happily spackling and fetching things while admiring my prowess with power tools. Meanwhile I stride around competently getting shit done while taking frequent breaks to sexually harass Tia. In reality things are dirty and sweaty and difficult. There is more fumbling and cursing than cheerful competence on my part. The work is physically hard, it's tiring, and thanks to my stupid fibromyalgia, it fucking hurts. Most of the time I don't feel much like a dominant sex goddess.
- The bathroom with duct-tape repair work
Tia's issues don't help. I know how clumsy and inept he feels and I yearn to help him gain a sense of competence with this stuff, but it's hard. The ickiness of the work offends his fastidiousness
and he is easily frustrated. Making mistakes, having to redo things and realizing a fix is ten times more complex than you thought is par for the course in remodeling, but these challenges make Tia want to run away. He's depressed about moving as it is. The prospect of moving into a run-down trailer with all kinds of repair issues doesn't exactly soothe him. Because he loves me, wants to please, serve, and be with me, he's trying hard to learn all these difficult new things. He's wracked with guilt at causing us so much trouble and being so little help. But it's also obvious he feels trapped and miserable about being in this situation at all.
Like so many remodels, this project has turned out to be much more difficult and expensive than we anticipated. As the weeks drag on, I am getting tired of soothing Tia's fears while patiently trying to teach him. I miss that goddess feeling; I have started to feel like I am serving Tia instead of the other way around. We aren't even playing kinky sex games any more. I understand his failings and I love him so much, but loving someone and being able to build a life with him are two different things. The word "slave" on the collar I gave him has to mean something about the way our relationship works as opposed to just set-dressing for a sexual fantasy. The whole thing has turned into a vicious cycle of angst that bubbles up every few days into arguments that seem like they will tear us apart.
It's my birthday today. Because there's still a ton of work to do, because I'm obsessive, and because money is tight, I plan on spending the day working at Sandpit Manor. For the moment things are peaceful, loving and happy between my pet and me. But there are weeks and weeks of work to get through and I'm scared. Our problems all seem so silly when I write them out like this; shouldn't our love be able to withstand these petty insecurities? But when our tempers take over and accusations start flying, it's hard to see how any affection could survive.
I just pray that what seemed like a good idea at the time doesn't turn out to be my worst birthday ever.
Gee, y'all sure have a lot of buttsex questions don't you? I'm super-double-plus busy nowadays but I do still check my email and I promise I will have those anal answers for you eventually. So please keep your kinky questions coming to me at [email protected]