Savage Love

When gays and straights work together

Mix 'n' match

You suggested that Doing My Best, the good-looking Ivy Leaguer who can't land a girl, find a gay friend (July 16). Homos, you implied, make the best wingmen, directing women your way in bars and forcing you to talk to them. In return, you should go to gay bars, dance shirtless, etc.

I disagree. My brother and I have had separate bad experiences with gay male friends. Both of us are straight, easygoing, and have no problems with queers — our sister is a lesbian. We've found that it's impossible to have a gay friend of the same sex — especially if alcohol is involved. Eventually a pass is made and the friendship ends.

Burned Straight Boy

Feigning friendship to get into someone's pants? Surely no straight man has ever stooped so low! Surely no woman — straight or queer, single or married — has ever had the moves put on her by a straight male friend! Surely!

Not, as the kids once said.

I'm sorry you and your brother had bad experiences with fag friends, BSB, but it happens. And let's make an effort to keep it in perspective: Hitting on a friend is an asshole move that's been used and abused by gay men, straight men and the odd woman. But not all gay men hit on their straight male friends. I have four very close straight male friends, BSB, and I've never hit on any of them. Why? Because I'm not generally attracted to straight boys, for starters, and not one of them is my type, for enders. As far as my libido is concerned, my straight male friends might as well have vaginas. And when I meet a straight guy who is my type, a friendship is out of the question. Together gay men don't want to be friends with men they find attractive for the same reason together straight men don't want to be friends with women they find attractive. Why torture yourself?

So my advice to straight boys seeking a gay wingman is this: If your prospective wingman only dates, say, muscular Asian dudes, and you're a muscular Asian dude, he's going to hit on you someday. But if your gay wingman only dates, say, hairy muscle daddies, and you're a skinny hairless rocker, your gay wingman is unlikely to ever hit on you.

Your advice to get a gay friend is dead-on. I'm an outgoing guy until I see a girl I'm interested in. My gay best friend has helped me meet a lot of women. In the interest of fairness, I return the favor at gay clubs. But a straight guy that goes to gay clubs does get hit on. If you can get over that hang-up, guys, it's a real confidence booster. You also forgot to mention that if the straight guy introduces his gay friend to the man he marries, civil unions, or partners with, the two of them have to keep helping the straight guy meet women. The straight mafia is strict about that one.

Not Shy Anymore

Thanks for sharing, NSA.

I would take your advice and get a gay best friend, Dan, but where the hell do I find one?

Lonely Hot Dude

The hottest gay men — wingmen, et al. — can be found at

My boyfriend refuses to give up coke for reasons I can't explain. I don't make a stink if he smokes a reefer, I don't make a stink about the tranny sex he's had in the past or the his-and-her butt plugs he bought us in month two. He's well-read, witty and sweet — but I'm seriously anti-drug for my own reasons and he knows my stand. We're reaching month six and in spite of all his skeletons, I love him. But this coke-hating sister can't get serious about a man that can't commit to not doing coke. I need a man's swift and brutal opinion: What the fuck? Is this butt-plugging asshole trying to sabotage our relationship by holding on to some libertarian conviction that was started in ancient Rome?

Coke-Hating Sister

I'm not sure how the Romans factor into this, CHS, but here's the swift and brutal opinion: If a coke-hating sister can't get serious about a man who uses coke, then why is this coke-hating sister wasting her time on this trifling, tranny-banging, coke-snorting brother? Either coke is a deal breaker for you, CHS, or it isn't. If it is, then don't date him. But if this butt-plugging asshole merits an exception — if the lift tickets are balanced out by well-read, witty, and sweet — then date him, girl, and stop bitching about it.

Download the Savage Lovecast (Dan's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at To ask Dan Savage a question, write to [email protected].

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