"Well, tell us laddie, what do you see? Could it be the legendary Paradise Island, where the water is sweet as honey and fruit grows from every tree?"
"Well, let's see. It's ... lemme look. Well, I can see ... oh, shit. Never mind. It's just Monday."
FRIDAY, JAN. 8:
Jameis Winston was named a candidate for NFL's Rookie of the Year. *Harrumphs loudly and mutters something about the role models of generations past*
Justin Bieber and some of his bronies (as in bro-cronies, not as in actual, you know, Bronies) were kicked out of a Mayan archeological site in Mexico for trying to climb on the ruins. Raise your hand if this is the most unsurprising thing you've ever heard, ever.
SATURDAY, JAN. 9:
Nobody won the big prize in the $900-plus million Powerball drawing, though a ticket good for a cool million was sold in Tampa. That's gotta be the most disappointing million dollars in history.
Back-to-back wins put the Lightning back in the playoff picture in a very tight field. We. Will. Take it.
SUNDAY, JAN. 10:
A St. Pete man faces charges of child neglect after a three-year-old girl ate his "spice," aka synthetic pot. Man, this story is just a car crashing into a police cruiser away from the Florida Man Hall of Fame.
And finally, the Golden Globes globed goldenly. People were inebriated and sweary! And now the world thinks this is DiCaprio's Oscar year. We'll see.