Sh*t happened 1/18/16: Koetter coaches, Walmart closing Florida stores, Hillsborough traffic kills

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Welcome to Monday. But this isn't just any Monday. It's the Monday upon which we honor one of the brightest beacons of hope for peace and equality our nation has ever produced. And in that spirit, we present a weekend-roundup Sh*t happened that isn't completely full to the brim with compelling arguments that humanity is garbage.

FRIDAY, JAN. 15:

Bucs offensive coordinator Dirk Koetter was named the team's 11th head coach. Koetter teared up at a press conference accepting the position, and Bucs-loving conservatives across the Bay area and beyond saluted his passion.

Among the 269 stores Walmart is closing in North and South America, three are in Florida; locations in Interlachen, Trenton and Cross City will be shuttered. Raise you hand if you knew those were three Florida locations at all. Thanks, you're lying.

A Pinellas county school resource officer saved the life of a visitor who collapsed at Osceola Middle School in Seminole with CPR and an emergency defibrillator. Resourceful, indeed. Ural Darling should immediately go on your "hug on sight" list, alongside Reese Witherspoon and that guy on TV that celebrates the birthdays of people over 100.

SATURDAY, JAN. 16:

A 19-year-old Lake Mary resident and first-time lottery player was revealed as a winner of around $2 million in the Powerball drawing. "Lucky break," said veteran lottery losers whose failed systems and numbers and superstitions are surely proof that it takes more than luck to win the lottery.

SUNDAY, JAN. 17:

And finally, 2015 was the deadliest year on record for Hillsborough County pedestrians walking the county's roadways. What? It can't all be good (or even neutral) news. Quit driving like blind cave bats, people — you don't have the sonar.

Image by Jimmy Flynt via Wikimedia Commons.

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