Sh*t happened 1/21/15: STFU, SOTU & More

It would be wonderful to say that Tuesday came on like a juggernaut, crushing the bones of the withered past under it like the killer robots in Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Unfortunately, Tuesday came on quirky and ineffectual, tapping its oversized suit-sleeve like David Byrne to let us know it's the same as it ever was ...

Barack Obama delivered his sixth State of the Union Address as President of the United States of America, and couldn't even summon the strength to act like he was frustrated to still be talking about shit like fair wages and healthcare. He did say he was gonna close Gitmo, though, which is compelling evidence that somebody finally built a time machine that works, sending context back to 2011.

After lengthy commentary and over the voluminous objections of her ardent supporters, the Hillsborough County School Board voted to give Superintendent MaryEllen Elia the boot. In classic American style, Elia's enemies on the board were willing both to trash her leadership style and give her more than a million dollars to go away. Because America still doesn't understand the difference between "firing" and "fucking upward to financial independence."

A Lithia man in a Brandon WalMart attacked another shopper without notifying security or law enforcement when he noticed the other man had a weapon on his person; the Lithia man was arrested for battery when the victim proved he had a concealed carry permit. It's interesting what happens when one idiot misunderstands "concealed" at exactly the same time another idiot misunderstands "carry," ain't it?

And finally, a Pinellas Park children's entertainer has been charged with possession of hundreds of images of child pornography, and worse. Listen, I don't believe in profiling anyone, but I do feel pretty safe in saying that anybody who wants to make a living as a third-tier, regionally-known-at-best children's entertainer should be willing to agree right up front to never own a computer, smartphone or van.

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