Sh*t happened 1/22/15: Ferguson, measles and bears, oh my!


Wednesday! Twenty-four hours that make or break the human spirit. Assuming, of course, that shit didn't crumble under the weight of reality years ago...

Multiple sources have reported that federal prosecutors will not be charging Darren Wilson in the death of unarmed black teen Michael Brown in Ferguson, MO back in August, saying there isn't enough conclusive evidence that Wilson used excessive force or wasn't in fear for his own life. Not for nothing, but "conclusive" sounds a lot like "beyond a shadow of a doubt," which is what I thought TRIAL JURIES WERE FOR.

Locally, Hillsborough County commissioners announced they would honor ousted School District Superintendent MaryEllen Elia this morning, which is kind of like your adoptive parents throwing you a going-away party after telling you (and everyone else) they're returning you to the orphanage because you suck as a kid.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says it wants to consider reinstating a hunting season for bears in order to keep the state's bear population under control. Because, like, four people fed them garbage and nine people videotaped them falling out of their backyard hammocks and put it on YouTube. We did that with caucasian human teenagers, too, but those pesky and dangerous mammals are still brazenly showing up everywhere.

And finally, California's Disneyland is measles central! Upwards of 50 cases have now been linked to the park. Spokespeople say it's "perfectly safe" to visit if you've been immunized, but that's also what the guy said in Lake Placid about four seconds before the giant crocodile porpoised his head clean off.

(Image of Florida black bear via Wikimedia Commons.)

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