Man, after a day like yesterday, it's great to know I can just kick back with six hot dogs and a tray of olive loaf and just eat my stress away with no risk to my — what? WHAT?! Oh.

Of course, the big news yesterday concerned how processed meat is going to give you cancer. Which, I mean, come on — if we didn't at least suspect that taking the bits of animal that not even Scots or Germans will eat and trying to make them palatable by subjecting them to smoke and chemicals might be problematic down the road, maybe we're not fit to take the whole ride, you know?

Everybody in Gulfport is trying to figure out how a registered sex offender with no valid driver's license was found driving a van full of kindergarten-to-elementary-age kids to schools that had no contract with the transportation company whose name was stuck on the side of the van with a magnet. It's a mystery! Or maybe people are working so long and hard to avoid ending up homeless that when a flyer shows up at the door advertising something that seems to make their insanely hard lives a bit easier, they just go with it and don't ask too many questions.

And finally, if I asked you who hasn't yet sued the state of Florida on Rick Scott's watch, and you furrowed your brow for a moment and then replied, "um … the Seminole Tribe?", well, you would've been right up until yesterday. Amid negotiations over a new gambling-rights contract, the Seminole Indian Tribe has filed suit in federal court, accusing the state of violating the old agreement by allowing card games at dog tracks and other locations. Because running a government like a profit-obsessed corporation means getting sued all the fucking time like one, duh.

(Photo by Silar via Wikimedia Commons, used in accordance with Creative Commons licensing.)

This article appears in Oct 22-28, 2015.