Tomorrow, against a backdrop of frankly absurd levels of xenophobia, people all over America will sit down around the dinner table and congratulate themselves for being such successful refugees. Of course, we killed nearly everybody who was already here — and suddenly, just like that, everything makes sense.

Are you a Zooper? You might be, and not even know it. Lowry Park Zoo is following in the footsteps of Busch Gardens and offering a "pay for one day, come back all year" deal. It's called a ZooperPass, because deep down, we'd all just like to escape the complicated, upsetting world of humans and retire at Fraggle Rock.

A Chicago cop was indicted for murder after shooting a black teen. Occasionally, gross abuse of power has its consequences — not often, but still. (Oh, and there is no "war on cops," so you can just stow that shit.)

And finally, as if you needed absolute proof, Coke totally influenced the agenda of Global Energy Balance Network, that nonprofit that says foods like corn syrup-laden sodas have nothing to do with obesity, and that everybody just needs to do wind sprints or whatever. Evil takes many forms, and sometimes one of those forms is "completely obvious, duh."

This article appears in Nov 19-25, 2015.