Sh*t happened 12/23/14: No gay marriage licenses in the Bay, Satanism in the Capitol and more

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Shatterton slouched into a chair on the other side of the desk, and asked the recorder to tell him about Monday. "I'll tell you about Monday, on one condition," said the recorder, through the smoke. "You gotta promise to think about it. You gotta promise to learn."

Pinellas Clerk of Court Ken Burke said that Bay area clerks will NOT be issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples come January 6, when a judge's stay on the ruling that called Florida's law against gay marriage unconstitutional expires. According to the local clerks' legal counsel, the expiration of the stay only affects rural Washington County (where a couple fighting the law lives), and Bay area clerks could be prosecuted for issuing the licenses before a "binding order is issued by a court of proper jurisdiction." In related news, Washington County, Florida IS NOT READY FOR THIS PARTY.

A holiday diorama provided by the Satanic Temple and pushed for by atheists went up in the state Capitol's rotunda in Tallahassee, as a high-profile expression of the group's belief in true religious freedom and separation of church and state. Also on hand: A menorah, a Festivus pole and a tribute to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. And we can't get these folks into the same studio to cut a charity single?

A Lakeland woman was arrested for hiring an undercover cop to kill her husband. In lieu of cash, she allegedly offered him the titles to four vehicles — and should've been suspicious when he accepted, because everybody knows most people in Lakeland have at least four vehicles, and only one of them runs. ZING!

And finally, the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office issued a call to the public to help identify the person or persons who made calls to 911 on Saturday evening, threatening to harm officers and blow up the dispatcher's office and helicopters. No wonder the cops are paranoid; they're toiling without the benefit of even the kind of Caller ID technology that's been freely available to civilians since the early 90s.

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