"It's a simple choice, Sylvie," said The Devil, and took another drag from a cigarette nestled in an eight-inch holder carved from the tibia of a bureaucrat. "Two doors. One leads you to tomorrow. The other leads you back to yesterday, as seen through the eyes of an idiot who thinks he's funny."
Sylvie took a deep breath, and decided. She approached the door, felt its cool knob (carved from the kneecap of an ambitious number-counter) against her palm, and opened it.
Her selection elicited several choice expletives:
Lovable weirdo and holder of the top nine positions in the Official Johnny Depp Fan Club Tim Burton will reportedly begin filming in Tampa Bay next week for his film adaptation of Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children. There's been no confirmation that cast member Samuel L. Jackson will be in town, but c'mon — I'm pretty sure I saw that guy in a video on how to put gas in my car on a pump-mounted video screen at a WaWa the other day.
The city of Dunedin canceled yesterday's Fat Tuesday parade downtown due to the threat of inclement weather, and rescheduled it for Friday. Many local businesses threw their usual Mardis Gras events as scheduled, citing devoted religious observance to those obscure and questionable holidays that, you know, really bring out the drunky-spendy.
A former Broward County jail inmate was arrested and charged with mailing contraband to his former inmates, in the form of envelopes laced with a hallucinogenic drug similar to LSD. Since the Sun-Sentinel already admirably handled the "it was a hit" pun via its headline, we'll just go ahead and pile on with a bit about how the former inmate's flashback to incarceration will undoubtedly be a bad trip. (DOUBLE ZING POINTS, HEY-YO.)