Are you well-rested and refreshed and ready to tackle another week of pointless labor in the name of perpetuating the failing capitalist agenda? Of course not — weekends are for drinking, yo.
FRIDAY, FEB. 10:
A 19-year-old girl sitting in a Seminole nail salon was shot in the back when a gun being unloaded in the gun shop next door was accidentally discharged. Yes, humans are totally up to the myriad responsibilities that come along with owning firearms. "Hey, that wasn't me," said a proud NRA member with a curious kid and an entirely avoidable tragedy in his not-too-distant future.
Some suspicious objects discovered at Tyrone Square Mall were determined by a bomb squad to be harmless lengths of underground pipe. Well, duh — terrorists only bomb places people are likely to go. Yeah, that's a ZING.
SATURDAY, FEB. 11:
Eh, Gasparilla, whatever.
SUNDAY, FEB. 12:
Sunday's most facepalm-inducing news lede: "Due to a lack of interest in the education field, school districts all over Florida are facing teacher shortages..." I don't think it's a lack of interest in the education field, Bay News 9. I think it's a lack of interest in barely being able to afford the rent on an alley refrigerator box for doing the world's most important job that's the deterrent, thanks.
And finally, the world Grammy'ed once again last night. The New York Times wonders where all the shirts were. We wonder where all the talent was. SUPER ZING! (We kid. Adele is awesome.)