Isn't it weird how when you hear "Hava Nagila" on Thursday, your mind just sort of sings along, "Friday, it's nearly Friday, it's nearly Friday, it's almost here"?
Terrible phosphate company Mosaic — of "sorry we didn't tell you about that catastrophic sinkhole" fame — was given permission by the Manatee County Commission to rezone some property and expand its mining operations there, potentially destroying a vast swath of natural wetlands. Because, you see, while the wetlands clean the water and the air and provide habitat for countless species, they can't cut a check or leverage hypothetical jobs and profits. They're just, you know, pretty. And necessary for life, but whatever.
Another day, another smash-and-grab gun heist. This time, it was a pawn shop in Bartow. So happy you can buy your AR-15 at the same kind of place where they gouge college kids temporarily swapping their crappy guitars for weed money, though.
Here's a hilarious story about Walmart getting sued for inventing a fake craft brewery in order to slap a new label on its store-brand swill and jack up its price. That couldn't be more American unless they got a bald eagle to shit in the vat.
And finally, it's since been changed, but the original headline for this story that hit the newsfeeds was "Polk deputies arrest 42 in sex probe." Whoever wrote that one shouldn't have to pay for a beer for the rest of the month. (Also, I'm 12.)
This article appears in Feb 16-23, 2017.