Are we doing this? We're doing this.
So a guy in Bradenton is super pissed that an Amazon delivery person unlocked his front door and set a package inside his home — using a code Amazon had on file from the guy's previous residence. He moved, and used the same code for his new front door that he'd used for the gate at the old place, and the delivery person just saw a code on the account and gave it a shot, and it worked. We're gonna just consider both of these people equally, dangerously shortsighted and call it a draw.
Parents of students that attend a particular Tampa high school were shocked — SHOCKED! — to discover that there's a social media account dedicated to chronicling fights at the school, and that fights on and off school grounds happen, like, all the time. Representatives for the school explained that most of the fights stem from "off-campus disputes," which is a little like telling your neighbor that yeah, your dog took a big dump on their lawn, but it's fine, because he ate the food at your house.
Two churches in Seminole were vandalized over the weekend, and there's a seriously untalented graffiti "artist" tagging businesses around Lakeland. Nice things, unavailable to us, etc.
And finally, our January cold snaps killed 35 manatees in the state of Florida; Hillsborough was the county with the second-highest number of fatalities at 4, while Pinellas logged 1 manatee death from cold stress. If they could talk, we imagine manatees would say, "that sucks but even we still understand that climate change is scientific fact, so please don't use the deaths of our friends and relatives as the jumping-off point for some dumbshit opinion on global warming." Very intelligent, manatees, if a bit blunt and withering in our imaginations.
