"Your world is going through a period of rapid and intense transformation," said The Seer.
"So, what do we do?" asked Milton, nervously fiddling with his sideburns.
"Well," said The Seer, "I"ve always found that playing Bowie's 'Changes' over and over tends to take the edge off."
The Florida Department of Transportation, which only has authority over state roads, is creating its first-ever protected lane for bicyclists along downtown Tampa's Jackson Street. Why Tampa, out of all the places in the state that feature roads under the FDOT's jurisdiction? Surely there's another city where the FDOT's reputation needs a more thorough PR overhaul than it does here? Oh, right — TBX
That unprofitable Walmart in St. Pete's Midtown neighborhood abruptly closed a month earlier than expected. Giant corporate behemoths tend to suddenly become super-efficient when unprofitability is involved. Fuck 'em. We don't need 'em. But the people of Midtown do need access to affordable, healthy food options, so let's do something brave and new and awesome, and not spend forever figuring out what that's gonna be, OK, St. Pete?
Also in St. Pete: The city wants to turn four downtown one-way streets into two-way streets. That. Is. Crazy. "One-way roads are considered better for getting drivers across longer distances while two-way streets are better for short trips." Yeah, like those state-to-state trips through midtown Manhattan. Chaos and upheaval, people. Mark my words.
And finally, that Sarasota sheriff's deputy accused of stealing from his elderly neighbor then trying to kill her might also have supplemented his income in the past by working as a prostitute. The world has gone topsy-turvy. Also: Ladies, no video of a cop jerking off in his cruiser is worth $500.
This article appears in Feb 2-9, 2017.