Sh*t Happened 2/8/18: Jeff Sessions visits, Tampa Bay among the nation's Top 10 flu hellscapes

Oh, and Boston's got an easy way to get your marriage proposal denied.

click to enlarge Sh*t Happened 2/8/18: Jeff Sessions visits, Tampa Bay among the nation's Top 10 flu hellscapes
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Good morning. Happy first day of the Florida State Fair! That's not going to be a crazy flu petri dish at all.

U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited Tampa yesterday to address our state's insane opioid crisis. Some people showed up to protest his positions on various things, perhaps because — and I'm editorializing like crazy here — Jeff Sessions might be a racist sentient apple-head doll that doesn't care about anything that can't make it money.

Here Are The Top 10 Flu Hotspots in the Country, And You'll Never Guess Who Made the Cut! (Spoiler alert: Tampa Bay made the cut. Am I clickbaiting right? I don't feel like I'm clickbaiting right.)

A 17-year-old and 21-year-old were arrested for beating an Uber driver into critical condition in St. Petersburg. In case you haven't noticed, America has a very serious violent-morons-with-impulse-control-issues problem. We've all wanted to beat up a rideshare driver at one point or another, and most of us just sort of naturally refrain from doing so. It's just ten minutes of stilted conversation and a radio station you hate, people.

And finally, in non-local ridiculous bullshit, some restaurant in Boston is offering a $3,000 Valentine's Day engagement special that comes with a burger, fries and the tackiest ring this side of a commemorative high school jewelry catalog. Apparently nobody told the proprietors of Pauli's that it's virtually impossible to have such a finely honed sense of hipster irony that this sounds like a good idea, AND $3,000.

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