Good morning! Halfway around the globe, a bunch of the most disciplined, driven and physically perfect people in the world are displaying jaw-dropping athletic abilities in a celebration of the power of the human spirit. Over here, it's National Pizza Day. Happy National Pizza Day! Let's sit down and Facebook.
So the guy who founded 1-800-ASK-GARY and also helped usher the cultural trashfire that was MTV's Siesta Key into being was arrested and charged with DUI in Manatee County after blowing past a cop at 100 mph. Sounds like he could use a good attorney referral service — anybody know of any?
Hey, remember when parents were shocked — SHOCKED! — to discover there was an Instagram account dedicated to chronicling the fights at Tampa's Wharton High? Turns out there's a reason such a thing existed: Thirty-seven deputies were dispatched to the school earlier this week to deal with what seems to be an ongoing problem with violence; twenty-one students have been arrested for fighting so far this month. Dear parents: Get your fucking houses in order.
Speaking of institutions of learning, half a dozen underperforming Polk County schools may be "turned over to an external operator" if they can't get their shit together enough to earn a "C" rating by the end of the school year. Because trusting the future of America's youth to an economic system that relies on creating problems to solve in order to profit from them is, like, the best idea ever.
And finally, are you ready for yesterday's most absolutely Florida headline of the day? Of course you are. Here it is: "Florida Woman Flushed Emotional Support Hamster Down Toilet after Spirit Airlines Banned It from Boarding Plane". You are welcome. You are so, so welcome.