Sh*t Happened 3/1/17: Bubba's ex seeks protection, Brooksville bomb scare, hawks are awesome

Tell me honestly: Was there a point in your day yesterday at which you thought, "Well, half the internet is down, but at least later I'm gonna watch an angry pumpkin get up in front of a bunch of parchment-wrapped bags of stolen money and blame everything on the poor"?

There was, wasn't there?

A woman who dated Bubba The Love Sponge Clem for four years is seeking an order of protection from the tenacious radio-entertainment footnote, alleging multiple forms of emotional and physical abuse. I tried out like nine punchlines here, and they all made me sound, to me, maybe a bit too much like Bubba The Love Sponge Clem. It's not funny.

Brooksville authorities evacuated several businesses after a botched pharmacy robbery led to the suspect leaving a suspicious package behind when he fled, implying it was a bomb. The device was "rendered safe" by the Citrus County bomb squad, which, if we wanna read all the way between the lines here, probably means the device likely turned out to be an oily sack of some pillhead's only other change of clothes.

I would love to be able to put up a sign in my yard warning that red-shouldered hawks were nesting on my property and dive-bombing people, as they are at this Palmetto house. Guard hawks, dude. Fear my guard hawks.

And finally, weaving through traffic, nodding off and trying to get your five-year-old to hold your meth stash for you is no way to go through life, lady.


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