Good Monday to you. Were your hidden offshore billions exposed in that massive Panamanian law firm infoleak? No? Well, then, to the bridge traffic and cubicle beyond, one supposes.
FRIDAY, APRIL 1:
A Largo man jailed (and bailed out) numerous times for impersonating a police officer was released again on bail, and is now facing four counts racked up in under a month. So what, one more and he qualifies for a fake plastic badge?
A news story went viral about a 60-year-old Brevard County woman who shot her husband in the knee over an affair, with the bullet lodging in the victim's testicles. What a nutjob.
Looking to get in on the ground floor of a growth industry? Florida prisons will be hiring 4,000 new corrections officers over the next 15 months. Holy cow, that's, like, one new officer per scandalous revelation of abuse/neglect/corruption.
SATURDAY, APRIL 2:
Yeah, that guy USF hired without knowing about his affairs with students during his previous gig at Texas Tech? Turns out he was on the verge of having his tenure revoked at Tech, too. Which, I think you have to be caught on video literally eating a baby for that to happen. So if you're going out for a job at USF, you know, just put all the bad stuff on your resume below the fold — they might not get that far.
SUNDAY, APRIL 3:
SeaWorld Orlando's attempts to revamp its post-Blackfish reputation (and boost its tanking numbers) now include free tours of the area where it rescues and rehabilitates injured manatees. Do you think there are three more frightening words in the manatee language than "SeaWorld rehabilitation area"?
And finally, the Rays lost their opening-day game to the Toronto Blue Jays 5-3. A bad sign of things to come? Only, what, 2,000 games left this season to tell.