Oh man, it seemed like everybody on the police blotter for the weekend was suffering from a pretty severe case of the stupids:
FRIDAY, MARCH 31:
A dumb, evil asshole being sought by the cops for a number of crimes including meth possession (proof positive of idiocy right there) thought he was badass enough to win a fistfight with a Polk County K9. That turned out not to be the case. Here's a fun fact you might not know: In hell, they assign you a dedicated tormentor for each time you punched an animal while you were alive.
Technically this happened Wednesday, but the story broke on Friday: A 26-year-old Pinellas woman was arrested for going out of her way to force a 9-year-old kid to beat up on a 6-year-old, and for going to town on the younger kid's mom when the mom tried to intervene. What's really weird is that the story doesn't mention the Pinellas woman's relationship to the 9-year-old, so maybe she was just like, "hey strange kid, you bored? Fist up and follow me."
SATURDAY, APRIL 1:
A man was shot in a drug deal gone wrong — at a St. Pete church. Is nothing sacred?
Speaking of shootings, another dumb, evil asshole killed one person and injured four others when he fired into a crowd outside a Tampa hookah bar — apparently because the woman he was hitting on wasn't interested. The man who was arrested for the crime claimed he acted in self-defense, even though he was shooting from a moving car driving by the scene, which (and I'm editorializing here) might make him a liar and a coward, as well. Just like most of the people who think a gun is the best solution to a problem they created for themselves by being the kind of person who shouldn't have one in the first place.
SUNDAY, APRIL 2:
OK, this one's an instant classic: A 20-year-old guy from Odessa was arrested for DUI after he fled the scene of an accident, dumped his car in a Burger King parking lot and bailed — only to be nabbed by the cops waiting for him at his parents' house when he showed up in a freshly puke-covered Uber. If you're thinking "yeah, that sounds stupid and humiliating enough for one night out," you'd be right, but the guy rallied for two encores by making the arresting officer pull over so he could throw up again by the side of the road, and then hurking a final time at the cops' feet when they got to jail. I guess if you're gonna do the bad decisions thing, you might as well shoot for "epic."
And finally, in non-criminal-moron-related news, the Tampa Bay Rays beat the New York Yankees 7-3 in front of a sold out crowd on Opening Day. I know I give all of the Tampa Bay sports teams a hard time, but you really gotta give it to the Rays — they definitely know how to create unrealistic expectations. Hey-yo!