Spring's probably-final balmy temps are here, your relatives are coming down for Easter next weekend, and the tax deadline is right around the corner, so let's get you in and out of here in a timely fashion today so we can blow off the everything after lunch and meet up later at Shadrack's.

The nonvestigation into that whole thing about Trump donating $25K to Florida AG Pam Bondi's campaign right around the time her office was asked to investigate Trump University for fraud is over, with the prosecutor assigned by Florida Governor Rick Scott saying there's not enough evidence to move forward. Really? One might think "Trump donating $25K to Florida AG Pam Bondi's campaign right around the time her office was asked to investigate Trump University for fraud" would be enough evidence to move forward, just as a thing that happened.

The Tampa Bay Lightning continue to give their most diehard fans hypertension through keeping the team's playoff hopes alive by the slimmest of margins. They did it again last night by beating the Maple Leafs 4-1. That is some suspenseful-ass skateball.

And finally, a 41-year-old female tourist from Michigan was arrested for choking a teenager who stood up and blocked her view of the nightly fireworks display at Disney World's Magic Kingdom. The 41-year-old's last name? Mature. You can't make this shit up, folks.

This article appears in Apr 6-13, 2017.