Moms! Perfect weather! Big Guava Fest! Uneven local professional sports team performances! Nah, we're not gonna talk about any of that, thanks.
FRIDAY, MAY 8:
The doctor and founder of Tampa company SynDaver, which makes synthetic cadavers, body parts and tissue for medical training applications, appeared on ABC's give-me-money reality show Shark Tank. How did he do? No idea — that would've required watching an episode of Shark Tank.
The body of a 45-year-old man who decided to go swimming in a retention pond on Wednesday and never resurfaced was recovered by St. Pete Fire Rescue. Add another item to The Long List of Foolhardy Things We Got Away with While Intoxicated During Our Teens/20s That We Shouldn't Try to Replicate in Our 40s — put it somewhere between "climbing that billboard" and "paying the hooker with a big Zip-Loc bag of change."
SATURDAY, MAY 9:
A Tampa Tribune story profiled local entertainment personality Peter Sloan, who sometimes semi-professionally goes by "Peter Shatner, son of William Shatner" and seems convinced he is Captain Kirk's illegitimate son. Tomorrow on "Publicity Stunt or The Influence of an Unstable Parent?": A Clearwater girl whose father repeatedly told her she's the true heiress to the Pringles fortune.
Two men saved a couple of children from being swept away in the current and drowning at Madeira Beach. Somewhere, someone is looking very diligently for a reason to sue these two men. Can we not, please? Nice job, two men.
SUNDAY, MAY 10:
The brushfire(s) that closed I-75 down Sarasota way were likely caused by lightning. Conjured by tourists. Damn you, lightning-conjuring tourists! (All traffic slowdowns are caused by tourists.)
And finally, an Ormond Beach woman received a surprise Mother's Day call from none other than President Barack Obama. The leader of the free world was forced to hang up on her when she managed to turn the conversation toward Benghazi, Hillary Clinton's qualifications and Mr. Obama's inability to cross the aisle throughout the entirety of his administration. He ostensibly went into the Rose Garden for a clandestine smoke, then checked in on the Secret Service officers gluing macaroni onto framed photos of his wife.
This article appears in May 7-13, 2015.