"And remember," Captain Obvious told the assembled crowd solemnly, "today is the first day of the rest of your life."
"But Captain," cried a bespectacled teen in the audience, "isn't that just a meaningless, self-evident bit of drivel?"
The murmuring crowd grew silent.
"Just for that, son," said Captain Obvious with authoritative severity, "you're going to have to relive yesterday. Also, what's my name?"
American Traffic Solutions, which runs Tampa's red-light camera program, put $10,000 into mayor Bob Buckhorn's One Florida political action committee — and not at all as a reward for helping enrich the Arizona company's profits by $6.8 million out of the fines the program has collected here in town. Illegal? No. Shady as fuck-all? Guess that depends on your tolerance for that ol' classic political back-scratchin'.
Three of the 46 nonviolent drug offenders whose pretty crazy sentences Obama commuted have ties to the Tampa Bay area. The optimist in me celebrates the long-overdue justice inherent in the gesture; the cynic in me thinks there's gonna be a lot more shitty blow available outside questionable local bars in about 40 minutes.
FlagWatch(tm) update: A 60-year-old Safety Harbor woman was arrested and charged with domestic battery when she allegedly tired of arguing with her husband over her desire that he take down his Confederate battle flag, and physically assaulted him. Brother against brother just aged into a geriatric update of War of the Roses.
And finally, that soon-to-open Bass Pro Shops in Brandon — you know, the one that should rightly be held up as an example of absolutely terrible business maneuvering on the part of the county — has released a roster of famous people to be present at the grand opening. And it's all women athletes of color! HAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding! The passphrase is "white men of fishin', golf and NASCAR, plus Mike Alstott."
