Then the sun rose on Friday, and there was much rejoicing, for they knew that, after a cursory examination of attempts at humor based on the previous day's headlines, they could commence secretly drinking in the break room.
A 27-year-old complete and irredeemable asshole livestreamed a drunken, reckless joyride across Clearwater Beach on Facebook, during which he reportedly ran over beach chairs and umbrellas and came very close to hitting beachgoers before being apprehended on Caladesi Island. This is the inevitable result of a culture which tells each person they're a unique, special and entitled individual with valid opinions who can do whatever they want in life, then provides that person with the same resources, education and preparation to navigate said life that it gives a kumquat.
The first, five-mile stretch of a trail that will eventually connect Florida's coasts opened to the public yesterday, running from Tarpon Springs into Pasco County. "What a waste of state resources," said someone who thinks nature is basically a set for reality shows about families of swamp-dwellers, and last got on a bicycle to steal it from a smaller kid in the fifth grade.
After a long, long, LONG tenure near the very top of the list, the Bay area has fallen out of the 25 communities in the nation with the highest percentage of home foreclosures. Yes, that means even the worst of the worst of the even semi-affordable housing is gone, at least until it returns to the market as homes you can't even think about considering.
And finally, a 63-year-old Holiday man was arrested for trying to bring the lost (and largely fictional) art of burning witches back into vogue. In suburban Pasco County. In 2017. Go ahead and call me a social justice warrior, but when a guy sets a porch fire at the house next door because he thinks his neighbors have kidnapped his daughter for dark magic, he probably needs a psychiatric evaluation more than he needs to spend a night in a cell with, say, some narcissistic, liquored-up dipshit manchild who broadcast himself nearly running people over on the beach.
This article appears in Jul 20-27, 2017.