So did you shower a little longer than usual this morning? We did too, world … we did, too.
The GOP presidential candidates' debate was on CNN last night, setting a new low in American politics, and that means it's time for Pick Your Punchline(tm)! Which will you choose? A) The top eleven frontrunners gathered onstage, to collectively evince all the geopolitical and cultural insight of your average mole cricket; B) "Something Ben Carson something tranquilizers"; or C) This shit isn't funny, folks — one of these intolerant, animatronic fireside war-zealot chant-leaders is going to run for the White House, probably against a woman who, right now, seems about as likeable as Grape-Nuts.
Speaking of insanity, bills allowing people to carry (licensed) concealed firearms on state university properties moved forward in both chambers of the state legislature. Also, let's give some infants shots of Maker's Mark and a couple of hand grenades, and make them start arguing over their favorite diaper brands.
Speaking of guns, a Plant City gun shop owner was sentenced to a year-long prison stint for "irregularities" regarding his sale of 50 weapons to a survivalist who also went to jail briefly for making a bomb he said he wanted to use against law-enforcement officers. Basically, there are laws against knowingly selling crazy gunnage to someone who is not buying for him- or herself as an individual, but rather for a group of individuals or communal stockpile, which is fucking bullshit, man, because none of my friends are convicted felons or people with documented emotional disorders who can't buy their own machine guns, but I need them on my side when the black helicopters come, or whatever. The constitution says so! (EDITORIAL NOTE: It doesn't, and it never did, and gun control doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing proposition, and, oh yeah, the NRA cares more about money than human lives.)
And finally, utility employees working in a wooded area of Sarasota found some bones, including a human skull. Forensic services arrived on the scene; we're gonna go ahead and posit that they're dealing with a dead person.
This article appears in Sep 10-16, 2015.