Sh*t Happened 9/22/17: Eclipse witnesses freak over potential eye damage, Brandon robbers pathetic

We told you not to do that.

click to enlarge Sh*t Happened 9/22/17: Eclipse witnesses freak over potential eye damage, Brandon robbers pathetic

Good morning! How was your post-eclipse revelry? If it didn't include a woman in a cape and a bar patron brandishing a taser without noticing the cop standing right there, it wasn't as interesting as mine.

Did you go outside to join millions of people in experiencing an exceedingly rare celestial phenomenon? Of course you did! Did you sneak a peek at the eclipse without proper protection, just like our beloved tyrant-manchild president? Of course you did! Are you now worried that that briefest of glimpses might've done a little permanent retinal damage? Of course you are! "If you can see, you're probably okay," said a Tampa area board-certified surgeon, helpfully. If you've got a "nice, circular, black spot on your vision," however, you're probably boned. Repent in leisure, etc.

At least two dudes who have just completely done wonders with their lives followed an 86-year-old woman home from her grocery shopping and robbed her at gunpoint in Brandon. You can finally retire from the hardened criminal lifestyle on the $7 and checkbook of an octogenarian who buys groceries at Walmart, you dumbshit asshole cowards.

And finally, speaking of Walmart, that particular retail monolith announced yesterday that it's rolling out grocery delivery at five locations in Tampa. Irony of ironies: Of course the location from which some dumbshit asshole cowards followed an 86-year-old woman home and robbed her at gunpoint is on the list of locations that now delivers. Life is a fickle tween with embarrassing acne, people.

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