Good morning. I'm doing this today solely out of obligation. Let's run it down so we can go get a michelada and some chicken wings, OK? Meet you at Old Key West.
Chimpanzees: They're just like us! When it comes to arbitrarily killing, anyway.
She may have been in possession of marijuana with intent to distribute, but at least she respected copyright law.
A Hernando County mom turned in her daughter and daughter's boyfriend for a Brooksville convenience store robbery. It's the only way they'll learn.
Oh hey, another Pasco County convenience store got fined — $185K this time — for selling paraphernalia without proper signage. There's a joke about Pasco County residents and literacy in there somewhere, but I'm too egalitarian and handsome to make it.
The President of the United States did something right for once, finally, pissing off all the people who were having such a great time being pissed off at the president. Note to those people: Give it five minutes.
And finally, Hugh Hefner died, proving once and for all there's at least one thing even sex can't distract you from forever.