Sh*t happened 9/5/16: Summer's over, ha ha, whatever

Yeah, I know it's a bit late, but I was busy laying out my white linen for one last hurrah.

FRIDAY, SEPT. 2:

Two recounts later, Daryl Rouson was declared the winner in Tuesday's Democratic primary race for the Bay area's state Senate District 19. What does this mean for you? It means you now know for sure which Democrat is going to beat John Houman in November. POLITI-ZING!

Pro Football Hall of Famer and documented guy who has a tough time negotiating the real world Lawrence Taylor was arrested for DUI in Palm Beach County. Hope he knows that every time you get arrested after your first reality show, your pitch for a slightly different reality show about you gets passed down one link lower on the basic-cable food chain...

A dude who robbed a Lakeland gas station was easily identified and tracked down after he left his wallet on the counter. Gotta suck to sit in jail after that, being made fun of by the guy who beat up the condom machine in the bar bathroom and the other guy who peed on the cop's foot.

SATURDAY, SEPT. 3:

Florida governor, Big Government decrier and suspected treasurer for the Ancient Evil Ones Rotary Club Rick Scott went on the telly and basically outlined how Florida's failure to invest enough in storm preparedness screwed it when a not-very-powerful hurricane came calling. Perhaps we need a government big enough to better prepare for such things.

Speaking of which, Pasco County issued a mandatory evacuation order for some communities faced with catastrophic flooding. Big, huge, giant props to those people who looked out for their neighbors in a time of crisis. Every time you help somebody out for no other reason than you think it's the right thing to do, the Ancient Evil Ones Rotary Club experiences poor attendance at a Spaghetti Night fundraiser.

Do you remember Adam Hilarie, the Auburndale man who was murdered in August after being set up for a robbery by a woman he met on a dating website? Yeah, well, some ghouls broke into a bunch of cars during his funeral. Thanks, Ancient Evil Ones Rotary Club. You've hit a new low.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 4:

And finally, the Pope shot Mother Theresa's remains out of a cannon... oh, wait, no that's wrong — he canonized her. That's different.

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