Sh*t Happened 9/6/17: OMG everybody just calm the [email protected] down

Seriously, that's not helping.

There were two kinds of Floridians yesterday — the kind fighting over cases of water at Walmart and the kind Instagramming Rollin' Oats baskets full of wine with captions like "hurricane survival kit LOL." Which ones are right? It's still too early to tell, but if you don't know the difference between preparation and panic, you're likely to think you're all set only to realize pouring tequila onto a ramen packet isn't really much of a survival protocol after all.

The Great Turbid Tangerine echoed Florida Governor Rick Scott by preemptively declaring a state of emergency for America's wang.  He may or may not have said he'd be damned if he was gonna let some crazy chick from one o' them Mexican islands come in here and start messing stuff up.

A crew began the process of dismantling and moving that problematic Confederate memorial at the downtown Tampa courthouse annex. Even as it was being cut into pieces, a judge denied a last-minute request by "heritage groups" for an injunction to halt its removal, because the monument was put there in 1952 specifically to intimidate black people.

And finally, a Pasco woman was arrested for allegedly altering nearly 60 tip authorizations while working at a Hudson wing joint. Wow, she did it 59 times before she was caught? I guess (*puts on sunglasses*) you've got to give her some credit. YEEEEEEAAAAAAH! 


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