Nothing brings back those carefree summer days of youth like seeing a water balloon split and release its clear, cold payload all over the head and face of a friend you're secretly pissed at. Water balloon fights are a great way to re-create those long-gone days when there was nowhere you had to be, and anything was possible. Though, hopefully, now that we've all matured somewhat, things won't escalate to the point where somebody runs for the hose, a scuffle ensues, and the little guy ends up crying.
Water balloon battles can take any one of several forms. There's the strategic war-style battle, where you pick teams and there seems to be some vague objective, like Capture The Flag. Then there's the spontaneous one-on-one soakage, where a bit of horseplay begets a bit of retribution, and suddenly seven people are running in circles around the house and everybody's wet. And then, of course, there's the ill-advised ambush, where somebody lies in wait for a victim either predetermined or random. Usually, it's someone known to the perpetrator, and while the ambusher always thinks this will be adventurous and funny, the ambushee's reaction is often less than favorable. A notably reliable exception to this unpredictability would be 1980s teen-hijinks flicks, where two guys in their first apartment douse the chicks downstairs, and everyone gets laid. But that doesn't happen when, for instance, you surprise your girlfriend and her friend with a fusillade of H2O while they're climbing the steps to your apartment after a long, rainy day.
Whatever version develops, there are a few facts that really should be noted if you want to keep your friends. First, nobody likes the one who goes too far and takes the action inside; we know this sounds obvious, but it seems to happen every time. Second, big balloons and condoms with a little bit of water in 'em don't break as easily as you'd think, so use the thin-skinned little balloons made for water-fights if blunt trauma isn't your intention. And finally, never, ever, ever toss a water balloon at a stranger you a) wouldn't mind being beaten up by, or b) can't outrun.
This article appears in May 14-20, 2003.