Special thanks to Amy! for inspiring this blog. In a comment on my recent Songs to save your party blog she wrote, "As a follow up to this article, I propose you consider the question, what songs are guaranteed to END the party?"
Amy!, your wish is my command. I call this my "Maxi Pad Playlist" because these songs are guaranteed to suck the moisture (and the fun) right out of any party. If it's two in the morning and you want your asshole friends out of your living room, throw any one of these tunes on and watch the polite excuses begin:
Sweet Caroline, Neil Diamond – This song sucks!
Wind Beneath My Wings, Bette Midler – Beaches: The ultimate buzz kill.
Summer Lovin', John Travolta and Olivian Newton John – Last night, Creative Loafing threw a party celebrating the launch of their spiffy new website. I was there drinking a Dixie Cup of wine, discussing the sad condition of the newspaper business (hence the Dixie Cups) with a very interesting guy and having a generally pleasant time. And then, this bullshit filled the air. I couldn't say my goodnights quickly enough.
Taxi, Harry Chapin – This song has all the ingredients to ruin your night. It's brooding, slow-moving, tragically sad and features a musical interlude with only cello and a male singing soprano.
Come Sail Away, Styx – Speaking of male soprano, I think it's more effective at breaking up a party than a police raid.
This is all I've got off the top of my head. Surely, there are more abjectly awful songs out there than these five. Add at will!
This article appears in Mar 4-10, 2009.