Having no money sucks.
Especially in Florida.
As progressive municipalities pass laws that require companies to pay workers a living wage or hold employers accountable for wages unlawfully withheld, state lawmakers are trying to block them from passing such laws, though a recent attempt to do so failed in the State Senate. The same legislators continue to eschew Medicaid expansion, despite the $51 billion in Federal Affordable Care Act/Obamacare money that’s been on the table for years, and they’ve made cuts in everything from mental health programs to low-income housing. (And let’s not forget attempts to limit women’s access to health care.)
By now, the Scott administration and its toadies are probably starting to run out of ideas. So we’re here to help with a few screw-the-poor legislative suggestions of our own.
The Student Enrichment Act.
It’s 2016 and the state government is still paying for school lunches? Breakfast, too? Families struggling to pay rent think they can just reach into taxpayers’ pockets to meet their childrens’ basic nutritional needs? Pshaw. This year, let’s force brazen “hungry” children to sing for their supper. (“Food, Glorious Food” from Oliver would be a nice choice.)
The Pullin’ Myself Up Act.
Unemployment compensation and food stamps are way too expensive, especially since all those welfare freeloaders are probably just lazy frauds. This bill would require the state’s Department of Economic Opportunity to stop with the excessive “aid” already and instead send a set of bootstraps, whatever the hell those are, to everyone who applies for assistance.
The Uppity Persons Prevention Act.
Community Redevelopment Agreements guarantee that some property tax dollars will go directly toward economic redevelopment in low-income communities. Selfish, grabby poor people! With this bill, we’ll abolish CRAs and level the playing fields so the wealthy and powerful can maintain the privileges they so
richly deserve.
The Job-Holder Gratitude Act.
Job Creators (God bless them all) say low-wage workers ought to be thankful for the chance to earn $8 an hour, 25 hours a week. But if those burger-flippers insist on whining, let’s pass a bill that requires them to praise their employers (but make sure they do it before clocking in for a shift so it’s not on company time). Hell, make them pray while they’re at it. That’ll show ‘em.
The Green Water Act.
Officials in Flint, Michigan sure got it right, when they opted to use a cheap water source. Who cares that thousands of low-income, mostly minority children are now showing signs of lead toxicity? Why not require all municipalities in Florida to use the cheapest source of water available, whether or not it’s drawn from an aquifer that’s half-saline or not? Be good stewards of our money by totally deregulating the process through which our drinking water gets to our faucets.
The Gene Choice Bill (aka Citizens Created).
The BBC reported recently on a Stanford researcher who predicts that the rich will eventually evolve into a separate species because they’ll have access to genetic innovations that the rest of us won’t. That’s scary, and demands legislation. The Gene Choice bill would stipulate, once genetic alteration of fetuses is legalized, that the procedure not be available to anyone on public assistance — because the rich need to maintain a servant class! Yes, this legislation may spawn the next YA series — the genetically unaltered, ostensibly inferior but undeniably fierce Katniss-like heroine fights the Koch Brothers Super Race! — but that’s a risk worth taking.
This article appears in Jan 28 – Feb 3, 2016.