A satire
By Chris Ingram
Imagine for a moment that you’re a total loser with nothing better to do on a Saturday night than watch the Miss America pageant. After putting up with the insipid “how would you change the world?” question responses, followed by the ridiculous “talent” session whereby you have to endure the Top 10 girls tap dance or play the clarinet, you finally get to the ratings meat of the pageant – the swimsuit session. You watch these aspiring celebrities prance out on the catwalk in their bikinis as
Donald Trump counts his money because there are millions of people like you watching this stupid program — which he owns.
After the commercial break the winner is announced and it is Miss Florida! Whoopee! The sunshine state finally has a representative on the national stage who is hot and who is not under any cloud of criminal investigation. Rejoice Floridians!
A few days later there is a problem.
Miss Florida is not really a Miss…. No. She is a Mrs.! Aghast! And on top of that, she once exposed her breasts for a photographer that ended up on the Internet the day after she won Miss America.
Miss Florida has not been so, shall we say honest, about her past.
You see, Miss Florida and all the other contestants signed an affidavit swearing that (among other things) she is: 1) single and has never been married, and 2) never showed her boobies to anyone but her Ob-Gyn.
It being recognized that Miss Florida lied on her application to qualify for the pageant, she is stripped of her title.
Donald Trump then goes on the Today Show and announces that instead of giving the title of Miss America to Miss Oklahama, the first runner-up, he is going to appoint the Hillsborough and Pasco County Florida Republican party chairs and state committee members (a total of six people), to select the next Miss America.
In doing so, Mr. Trump is saying the selection of the next Miss America from the field of candidates who already qualified and said they wanted the title, isn’t necessarily the way to do it. No. Instead, the Hillsborough/Pasco group should get to decide because this is not a democracy, it’s a stupid beauty pageant and fairness is for the birds.
Besides, Bill Bunting (a gun-toting former Democrat) is on the Pasco group and he might shoot Trump if he doesn’t do it his way.
So the group mulls their options. They could pick someone from the previously qualified group of pageant participants but that would seem so fair. Being a kingmaker by picking someone else strokes the ego of the group. Lets see, they could pick someone undeserving like…Rachel Burgin. Nope. Nevermind. Already done that. How about her brother Josh? That’s an idea. Bet our pal Sam would like that one. No. wait a minute, the appointing group has just realized there is nothing in the rules to prevent them from reappointing Miss Mrs. Florida! She would have to modify her qualification papers and admit that she is married of course, but Trump never said they couldn’t do it. Besides, you have to remember, Bunting has guns.
Bunting is overheard to have said, “Hey, uh, I got no problem with herrr. She was packin’ some heat in them pics I seen on the Intuh-net. And buh-sides she pretty hot. All she’s gotta’ do is kiss da’ ring of da’ Buntenator — and get her conceal/carry permit within 48 hours of course.”
But Deborah Cox-Roush wonders if doing so would ruin her chance of getting elected State Party Chair – what with those nudie pictures and the girl not following the rules about marriage, it sure wouldn’t look good for a candidate wanting to clean things up at the state party to appoint someone so scandalous.
So the group begins going through its Rolodex of has-beens, nitwits, sycophants, and nincompoops who would be willing to serve. There are lots of names on the list. They figure they’ll select someone who is a reliable stooge that will owe them all a big favor.
What is lacking is anyone respectable or anyone who isn’t already in the pocket of some pageant interests.
And all but forgotten is poor old Miss Oklahoma, the runner-up – and the only person in America deserving of the title. But hey, this is pageant world. Just like in politics, doing the right thing doesn’t really matter.
Chris Ingram is the president and founder of 411 Communications a corporate and political communications firm, and publisher of Irreverent View. Ingram is a frequent pundit on Fox News and CNN, and has written opinion columns for the Washington Times, UPI, and National Review online. He is the Republican political analyst for Bay News 9, the only 24 hour all news channel in Florida’s largest media market. The opinions expressed here are those of author and do not represent the views of Bay News 9. E-mail him at: Chris@IrreverentView.com.
This article appears in Oct 21-27, 2010.