Super Tuesday hangover: We’re next, Florida. Can we handle the traffic?

The returns came in excruciatingly slowly for our anxious millennial tastes. The analysis/speculation seemed to shoot out in every direction; it needed a glass of pinot noir to slow it down. But by the end of the night, Super Tuesday’s outcomes were apparent: people still dig Donald Trump. Lots of them do, for some reason, except for Texas, Oklahoma and Alaska (and Iowa), which supported Ted Cruz.

Same with Hillary Clinton (except in Vermont, Colorado, Oklahoma and Minnesota, which went for Bernie Sanders).

But it’s not over for either.

On March 15, we and Ohio have our presidential preference primaries (and some municipalities have nonpartisan races as well, amirite Gulfport and T.I.?). A high number of winner-take-all delegates is at stake in each state, so you’d better believe those dudes and that dudette will be milking the states like crazy, which is always fun. Expect rallies, regional field office opening shindigs, candidate speeches, you name it.

Here are a few more things we look forward to:

Our commute’s going to suck. So not only is it the start of Spring Break insanity (never get in the right lane behind a Cadillac), but within the first two weeks of March we expect at least a handful of candidate appearances throughout the state. Hell, a few of ’em hightailed it to South Florida Tuesday night. After all, they want those 99 delegates and they are going to straddle the I-4 corridor to get ‘em. Candidate events that are open to the public will be a hoot, sure, but if you’re not planning on attending, you may want to avoid the vicinity of a candidate rally or press conference lest you get stuck on a hyper-political fury road.

click to enlarge Christie in 2014, displaying an expression not dissimilar to the one stuck on his face Tuesday night. - Gage Skidmore
Gage Skidmore
Christie in 2014, displaying an expression not dissimilar to the one stuck on his face Tuesday night.
Chris Christie cocoons himself. From the look of it as he stood on stage behind Trump Tuesday night in South Florida, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had spent the past four days (since his endorsement of Trump) under sedation. He had the look of a rueful bride at the altar opposite a man she despises. His choice to support Trump could mark the end of his career, especially if party leadership is successful in thwarting Trump. So it goes.

Ben Carson’s handlers pull a Weekend at Bernie’s. As we mentioned above, it’s Spring Break! Woo-hoo! And right about now, there’s speculation that some Republicans want Ben Carson, who’s polling below the legal limit, so to speak, to run for the U.S. Senate seat in Florida that Marco Rubio is vacating. That Republican primary field is already jam-packed, and Congressman David Jolly is the frontrunner (though polls show the race isn’t even on the radar for many voters just yet). So it’ll be Hawaiian shirts and hijinks for those who carry the lethargic doctor’s smelling salts this spring and summer.

Sanders supporters’ alternate universe finally manifests. If you are friends with Bernie Sanders supporters, you have to admit their optimism is incredibly refreshing. However, there is also, in some circles, a propensity toward denial, especially in attempts to Monday-morning quarterback the results of polls and debates. (The corporate media rigged it, Hillary is the devil, etc.) But, hey, thoughts become reality or something, don’t they. We don't know; we never read The Secret.

Trump will jump an actual shark, besting Rubio. In an attempt to woo voters in Florida, Trump will turn to the book of Fonz, thereby pulling off some over-the-top and visually fantastic feat, such as waterskiing over a shark or eating the rubble of a Planned Parenthood clinic after demolishing it with his mind in front of a wildly cheering crowd.

Rubio responds by mumbling a few dick jokes. Small hands or no, Trump still beats him, and Rubio is forced to leave the race with his, um, tail between his legs. 

About The Author

Scroll to read more News Feature articles
Join the Creative Loafing Tampa Bay Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state.
Help us keep this coverage going with a one-time donation or an ongoing membership pledge.


Join Creative Loafing Tampa Bay Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Creative Loafing Tampa Bay. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Creative Loafing Tampa Bay, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at [email protected]