Water parks aren't the only way to beat the summer heat. Hell, who needs water at all? What you need is something to take your mind off the temperature: long lays of green adorned with random holes; pirate ships docked in mid-air next to Day-Glo windmills; a 6-foot clown head that spits colored balls at you. Alas, I'm not detailing the finer points of tripping on cough syrup at a carnival. No, this is a much more clear-headed exercise: the oh-so-zany world that is themed mini-golf. Probably every person in the galaxy has played at least once before, and summer's a perfect time for a dose of this underrated pseudo-sport.
While most courses offer fantastical themes straight out of John Lennon's "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," here in the greater Tampa Bay area there's a certain dominant character. No, it's not the stripper — it's the ever-present pirate.
So, snag the Yellow Pages from underneath the crazy leg on your end table and look up the local courses — they're under golf, miniature that is. Some local courses even offer a variety of activities to suit your sweaty needs, golf or otherwise.
In Tampa, the options are limited, but there is a bounty of fun just waiting to be had at Malibu Grand Prix. Themed after medieval times, castles and all, Malibu allows you to hit the go-cart track and race your friend and that beer-fogged guy with the faded, Calvin-pissing-on-the-Ford-logo shirt. Good times. At Ace's Golf Range and Batting Practice, three bucks lets you step into the batting cages and scold a few of your 34 balls into the parking lot. And at Putt-Putt Golf & Games, where you'll find three courses, you can take a lady-friend onto the ol' green and give her the obligatory snuggly putting lesson. Oh, and when you're putting your way through the enchanted castle, don't ingest the water in the mystical moat; it might make you all kinds of wacky.
Ace Golf Range & Batting Practice is at 820 Kings Ave., Brandon (813-651-4653). Putt-Putt Golf & Games is at 2400 E. Busch Blvd., Tampa (813-932-9182). Malibu Grand Prix is at 14320 N. Nebraska Ave., Tampa (813-977-6272).
This article appears in May 14-20, 2003.