More than in even most years, Hollywood's latest summer lineup feels like a conversation between a couple of geeky, 10-year old boys. "Who would win in a fight between Spider-Man and The Thing?" asks one. "Are 10 pirate ghosts more powerful than Harry Potter?" wonders the other. One might even screw up his nerve to ask, "Where do zombies come from?"
The summer season has already unofficially started with Spider-Man 3 — an overstuffed free-for-all that makes Spider-Man 2 look like Godfather 1 — and the odds are we're in for a whole lot more of the old more-is-more in the months to come. Is it really possible to amp up the summer blockbuster model while dumbing it down any further? After last season's Superman Returns — an anticipated cash cow that featured some smart, elegant touches and subsequently tanked at the box office — maybe so.
In any event, while there will surely be some pleasant surprises along the way, what lies ahead are wall-to-wall sequels, CG effects, car chases, product placement and a slew of pirates, zombies, superheroes, spies and robots, robots, robots! It's "more is more" and more of the same (but spectacularly so!), and the only real question that remains is: Just who would win in that fight between Spider-Man and the Thing? Or between Harry Potter and the pirate ghosts? Or between the robots and just about anybody else?
Personally, I'm betting on the robots, but you may have other ideas. And so, in the spirit of good clean fun and keeping things interesting, we've devised a little game to keep ourselves amused (hopefully) while tracking the wannabe blockbusters that parade through our multiplexes over the coming months.
The films that follow are grouped according to various types, release dates and earning potential. It's up to you to rank them according to which ones you think will come out on top after all the screaming and shouting is over — screaming, shouting and box office being precisely what summer movies are all about. Turn this into a drinking game at your own risk. Extra points awarded for cattiness.
The Heavyweight Division
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (May 25)
The cool factor here is nearly off the charts — Chow Yun-Fat is on board, as well as legendary Glimmer Twin Keith Richards (in possibly the most brilliant casting coup of the decade). But at a reported running time of 170 minutes, ol' Keef might not be the only one doing the rambling here.
Shrek the Third (May 18)
The saga of everybody's favorite bile-hued ogre continues, with Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy and Cameron Diaz all reporting for duty once again. There are supposed to be some flying monkeys in this one, and Justin Timberlake's in here too, although you may need a scorecard to tell them apart.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (July 13)
The fifth installment in the Potter series features the boy wizard's first big kiss, a host of even more sophisticated special effects and a lot more screen time devoted to that infinitely evil entity Voldemort — which we're beginning to suspect is just a fancy European way of pronouncing Wal-Mart.
Three sure-fire blockbusters with almost identical target audiences, all guaranteed to rake in a bundle at the box office — but which one will make the biggest bundle of them all? The last Pirates flick grossed a billion bucks worldwide, but Potter fever is at an all-time high, with ghoulish fans chomping at the bit to see who gets knocked off next. And as for that new Shrek, there's something to be said for kids forcing their parents to buy them tickets over and over again. And never underestimate the power of Justin Timberlake.
The Middleweight Division
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (June 15)
As superhero sagas go, this fledgling franchise has yet to prove its bankability, but that could all change with this new installment, which seems hand-designed for the fanboy crowd (those young-ish male louts who rule the box office). Rise of the Silver Surfer promises to be a geek's paradise, with some of Marvel Comics' most popular creations featured, including the titular silvery one and a beyond-good-and-evil nemesis that devours entire planets simply to exist. Oh yeah, and did we mention Jessica Alba?
Who says star power is dead? The Ocean's movies may lack the fancy special effects and unadulterated escapism of other summer enterprises, but it's hard to deny the glossy appeal of Msrs. Clooney, Damon, Pitt and company, this time bolstered by the iconic presence of some guy named Pacino. Celine Dion's here too, but don't let that scare you away.
The Bourne Ultimatum (Aug 3)
Matt Damon's back as the amnesiac super-agent jumping through hoops while trying to unlock the mystery of his own identity. Fresh from the critically acclaimed United 93, director Paul Greengrass is along for the ride, bringing what's expected to be an extra touch of credibility to this already upmarket summer franchise.
Transformers (July 4)
Popcorn virtuoso and master of bombast Michael Bay (Armageddon) dishes up a live-action version (albeit a heavily CGI-tweaked live-action version) of that animated TV series from the 1980s about giant robots stomping each other without end. Bay's version is sure to be every bit as slick and super-sized as the TV show was primitive and cheesy, but it looks like he's captured the spirit of the thing; the old series was basically just an advertisement for action figures, and the merchandising for the big screen update is already overwhelming.
Despite whatever charm or style they may possess (and the portions may be sizeable), The Bourne Ultimatum and Ocean's 13 are both basically human-centric, and that's usually a liability at the summer box office. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer sounds closer to the flashy junk food that traditionally tears up the megaplexes this time of year, but Bay's battling 'bots might just turn out to be the big winner here. A flick hasn't tapped this deep into the Zeitgeist since, well, Snakes on a Plane.
The Feather-Weight Division
Live Free or Die Hard (June 29)
Old action movies don't die, they just fade away, and ditto for their stars. Bruce Willis is back as John McClane, now an agent with Homeland Security, but still a magnet for dastardly bad guys and the photogenic explosions caused by enormous vehicles smashing into even larger vehicles. Yippie-kay-ay. Whatever.
Rush Hour 3 (Aug. 10)
Another resuscitated action franchise, this one featuring the sweet-and-sour bickerings of Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker as odd-couple cops thrown in the line of fire. Curiously enough, Roman Polanski reportedly puts in a cameo.
Stardust (Aug. 10)
All of these movies have potential, but let's face it — that new Die Hard flick has just about everything going against it, from its ludicrous title, to its aging star, to simply being fourth in a series that wore out its welcome after number two. As for Rush Hour 3, Chris Tucker hasn't appeared on screen in six years, and does anybody really care? Stardust is the dark horse here, but it does seem primed to attract Tolkien and Narnia junkies who have nothing better to spend their money on this summer.
Horribly Horrible Horrors
28 Weeks Later (May 11)
The zombie-generating epidemic of 28 Days Later continues, with edgy new director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo (Intacto) hopefully infusing some additional atmosphere and smarts into the gore.
Hostel II (June 8)
Young girls sliced and diced for fun and profit. A sequel sure to rekindle the old debate about whether the original Hostel really was Saw with brains, as many of us claimed, or just another mean little splatter flick.
Bug (May 25)
A subtler sort of horror, with Ashley Judd holed up in a hotel room while some sort of contamination rages outside. Based on a stage play and directed by William Friedkin (The Exorcist).
There's more on the horror-izon, too — another Saw wannabe called Captivity (May 18); the dueling werewolves opus Skinwalkers (July 27); a regurgitated Halloween from Rob Zombie (Aug. 31) and even a little ditty called Mr. Brooks (June 1), starring Kevin Costner as a family man who's secretly a serial killer. But when it comes to these kinds of movies, it's generally survival of the sickest, so the smart money's on Hostel II taking the cake this summer.
Kid Stuff
Ratatouille (June 29)
Surf's Up (June 8)
Penguins. Cute, talking penguins. 'Nuff said.
Nancy Drew (June 15)
Adorable Emma Roberts, whose aunt is herself an adorable movie star (by the name of Julia), steps into the perfectly shined shoes of the famous tweener detective much loved by female readers of a certain age.
Underdog (Aug. 3)
No dog jokes, please. Jason Lee (My Name is Earl) provides the voice of the second coolest canine crime-fighter ever to have his own TV cartoon show. Scooby-Doo is marginally more appealing, but he rarely got to wear a cape.
No contest here. Any summer in which Pixar participates is a Pixar summer.
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Multiplex
Knocked Up (June 1)
It's opening during one of those rare off-weeks of summer — a brief dead zone between Pirates and the one-two punch of Ocean's 13 and Rise of the Silver Surfer — so Knocked Up will probably accumulate more attention than it otherwise might. A good thing, too, considering that this comedy about an unwanted pregnancy is from the makers of the painfully funny, character-driven 40-Year-Old Virgin, and the buzz is that there's more of the same here.
Evan Almighty (June 22)
A sequel to Bruce Almighty, minus Jim Carrey. The premise sounds a bit lame: Steve Carell plays an ordinary schlub who turns all Noah-esque when God/Morgan Freeman tells him to build an ark. But next to Stephen Colbert, Carell is the funniest guy in show biz at the moment, so how bad could it be?
Hairspray (July 20)
Have you seen those Hairspray publicity photos of John Travolta in drag? So is there anyway you can't see this movie? Based on the popular Broadway musical, which was in turn based on a sweetly offensive little film made a long time ago by John Waters.
Trick question. Whatever you're thinking is completely moot, because there's no way anything is going to compete with the big-screen homage to television's longest running and most consistently funny animated comedy ever — The Simpsons Movie (July 27). So there.
Battle of the Titans
A Mighty Heart (June 22)
Atypically serious summer fare in which high-minded filmmaker Michael Winterbottom relates the story of Daniel Pearl, the Wall Street Journal reporter who was beheaded by fun-loving Islamists for the crime of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
DOA: Dead or Alive (June 22)
What would summer be without at least one totally mindless movie based on a totally mindless video game? This one has tons of scantily clad girls, copious martial arts mayhem, Jaime Pressly and a title nice enough to announce itself twice — no doubt in deference to its acronym-challenged audience.
If any battle spells out the classic duality of Hollywood, it's this one: butt-kicking bikini babes versus an earnest and undoubtedly intelligent probing of politics and religion (in which I'll lay odds the Jihadists come off as basically sympathetic humans who all "have their reasons"). Opening on the very same day at a multiplex near you, A Mighty Heart might be the better film, but DOA will be raking in the bucks next door, and that's where I intend to be. But what can you say? It's summertime at the movies, Jake, and that's entertainment.
This article appears in May 9-15, 2007.
