The bathroom floor looked comfortable at the time

Share on Nextdoor

It might surprise some of you to know that I am not known for being the "relationship type".... now that you're done laughing, I would like to present you with a very serious idea. Very. Serious.

Although I may not have any normal female impulses to attach myself to another human being and then procreate to make annoying miniature versions of ourselves, from time to time parts (ONLY PARTS) of that scenario seem appealing.

For example, I often find myself hung over. This past Saturday was no exception. I did the heinous "wake up on the bathroom floor" move that is always supposed to be a wake up call, but usually just makes me laugh (not the best sign).

As I crawled (literally) into my bed wishing only for a large cafe americano (2 Splenda), a few aspirin and a McDonald's #1 (with no canadian bacon, vegetarian, and an extra hashbrown for good measure), the best idea EVER dawned on me. Prepare yourselves kids... I have discovered the future.

This moment was one that was automatically filled with my angry mumblings of, "If I had one of those stupid boyfriend things right about now, I could probably get him to retrieve those things for me." Light bulb!

I have devised a point system. What you need is a male (or female depending on preference) that is willing to be your "point buddy". Think "fuck buddy" but ohhhh so much better.*

Once you have someone in mind, present them with the following:

The Point System- (n.) the most awesomest thing ever.

Here is how it works. In most "relationships" people sacrifice for one another. Your boyfriend is sick, you bring him soup, your girlfriend is sad, you tell her to shut up (or buy her roses or something... I don't know how that goes). The point system fixes compromise. Everything will be awarded points and these points can then be exchanged.

Example A- I am hungover, I have woken up on my bathroom floor, I would like something with cheese and egg. I call my "point buddy" and inform him of the things I would like. I then inform him that this task will award him with 10 points. He accepts. A few days later, my point buddy calls me and requests a hand job while he watches Caddyshack, I inform him that it will cost him 6 points. Therefore leaving him with 4 points which he can continue to accrue and one day cash in for say... sex outside during daylight (58 points).

There are going to be kinks in the plan and each plan will have to be devised by it's two participating members. But think about it... ladies, imagine giving a blowjob and  knowing you are simultaneously working towards a new watch! Boys, imagine listening to a girl cry about her dead dog while playing with her hair knowing you are getting enough points for a "pearl necklace". Both people would actually REALLY enjoy the various tasks instead of feelings of obligation and dread!

Now that your mind has been blown, go find a point buddy! Or if you have a fuck buddy, discuss a possible upgrade!

*You "relationship types" can use this too... but I am pretty sure you people do stuff for each other because you "care" or something... lame.

Scroll to read more Tampa Bay News articles

Newsletters

Join Creative Loafing Tampa Bay Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.