The choice of being transgender

And although it was bad enough being called a dyke, what was worse was not feeling like one.  I tried, I really did. I was a good dyke for a while, but all I got from it was a lot of pussy. That's not true, I still love the Indigo Girls! I never did get that sense of belonging, at least not from lesbians as a group. (Maybe they could sense my un-grown penis.)

Sometimes I still have a hard time liking who I am, especially as I prepare to tell my parents. Pray for me, brethren. I hear them already: "What will people think? Why can't you just be like everyone else?"

I am like everybody else... just in the wrong body. Is that so hard to understand? Apparently it is, even for me. But hey, I am working on it.

Why do I choose to be transgendered? It's a hard life and it's not like anyone would ever have to know how I really feel inside. You're right, I do have a "choice." I could choose to keep my female body and go on living a life of unfulfilled dreams. Because I am not the person in my dreams.

Lets say as I grew up I wanted to be a fireman, well that's just it, I would see myself as a fireman. Imagine growing up feeling as if your true dreams could never be realized because you could never be the person in them.

I actually grew up wanting to be a singer. I am pretty good, so people say, but who wants to listen to a trans-man singer? How many people would want to buy my album? Or worse, would they find out I am trans and make a mockery of me? These thoughts go through my head because I was conditioned to not like who I am. 

And I am not alone there. I've heard that at least 30% of transsexuals contemplate suicide, 14% actually do it. I fall somewhere in between. I have never tried to commit suicide but I did attempt to destroy the body I came to loathe by using drugs and alcohol. I am not alone there either, too many beautiful transwomen and handsome transmen turn to drugs and alcohol to deal with their own internal struggle and the struggle of being "worse than the queers." (And no one wants to be worse than them! Just kidding.) 50% of trans people will be verbally assualted and  25% of trans-people will actually be assaulted. It makes you wonder how many trans people never bother telling the truth about themselves. Who could blame them with statistics like that?

Scroll to read more News Feature articles


Join Creative Loafing Tampa Bay Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.