The Compleat Nine-to-Five Anarchist

Anarchists in the 21st century have it rough. You want to be true to your doctrine and wreak havoc on the status quo, but at the same time find yourself reliant on The System. Nowhere is this more true than in the workplace. Your boss may be a Bible-totin', right-wing, pantywaist with balls the size of marbles — but he signs your paycheck. So if you want to keep your job (and presumably you do ... how else will you continue to bankroll your Max Stirner Appreciation Society meetings?), working anarchists have to be crafty enough to bring down or at least severely annoy the Powers That Be while still taking money out of their pockets. Hence, the next time you're in need of an effective, yet non-life-threatening way to say "Fuck you!" to the higher-ups, consider one of the following delightfully devilish antics:

Computer Chaos: Arrive at work extra early and put in some quality time removing the mouse balls from every computer. Switch the "M" and "N" keys as well — guaranteed to piss off the hunt-and-peckers. Leave a few magnets on top of certain coworkers' computers for good measure.

Operation Umbrella: One of the oldest tricks in the book: attach foot-long pieces of toilet paper to the sprinklers in the loo. Light the ends, return to your desk and watch people scatter when Niagra starts falling.

Little Voices: Buy a greeting card that plays an insipid tune. Remove the music chip, wrap it in cloth or cotton (to ensure the intended victim hears it only when the room's especially quiet) and tape it to the top of a ceiling tile in your boss' office. Act like he's a lunatic when he asks you if you hear music.

General Nuisances: When the office is stuffy, turn the heat up; when it's cold, crank the air. Scratch your ass every time you stand up, start as many rumors as possible and change the copier's toner cartridge with a hammer. Pretend you don't speak the language, whatever it may be; refer to everyone as "Doris" and laugh maniacally when they correct you; fall down often; arrive at work naked; eat plenty of onions, garlic and beans during lunch; pull the labeled buttons off coworker's phones and put them back in the wrong order; and, when taking a sick day, always, always call every 10 minutes and ask for yourself.

Refrigerator Follies: There's nothing more painful to an anarchist than to be surrounded by ass-kissing sheep. If

your coworkers spend their entire day brown-nosing the boss, they'll be too busy to eat their lunch anyway, so raid the office fridge and chow down on their homemade delicacies.

Circular Files: Sure, your cubicle neighbors are sooooo efficient. Let's see how well they fare when you "accidentally" use their more important faxes or letters to line your trash bin. Better yet, the second they leave their desk, root around in their files and indulge in a little impromptu rearranging. While you're there, be sure to send out a company-wide e-mail about your manager's cross-dressing habits and/or gerbil fetish from said coworker's computer.

Dust to Dust: Often in warmer climes, offices have overhead fans. Sneak into your boss' office and liberally sprinkle the top of the fan blades with itching powder, pepper, parsley flakes, Valerian Root (available at any health food store — stinks to high heaven!) ... anything that creates a mess or even causes a minor skin rash.

Easy Money: If you must work for The Man, do as little as possible for your paycheck, up to and including sneaking out the back door as soon as you clock in. If time clocks aren't an issue, arrive an hour late, leave an hour early and take a two-hour lunch break in between. Your coworkers should be too busy picking up your slack to rat you out. If they do tell, we'll take care of them, along with your boss, at the post-revolutionary tribunals.

—Kelli K

Minister of Water Coolers

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