The Dirty Sex Primer

Just in time for V-Day: It’s our online Dirty Sex Dictionary, abridged.

Our Valentine’s Day gift to you is this abbreviated primer version of our Dirty Sex Dictionary, an ever-expanding, politically incorrect, proudly tasteless online compendium of fetishes, euphemisms, sex positions, absurd sex acts, insults, and innuendoes. While this sexual lexicon is guaranteed not to make you a better lover, and definitely not a better person, it will add some creative details to whatever fantastical (and imaginary) sexcapades you will brag (or lie) about this Valentine’s Day. Check out hundreds more entries that were too dirty to print by clicking here, and receive daily word updates on Twitter at @DirtySexDic.

A is for

Asstronaut: The first person to have anal sex with an anal virgin.

B is for

Business Shower: When a couple showers together without engaging in sexual activity.

C is for

Condom (synonyms): Bachelor’s tuxedo, close combat sock, hazmat suit, love glove, one-piece overcoat, plastic wrap, raincoat, rubber glove, scumbag, shower cap, slicker, snake skin, space suit, tube sock, wet suit …

D is for

Doppelbangers: Sexual partners who look like siblings.

E is for

Erotophobia: Fear of expressing or experiencing sexual desires.

F is for

Furvert: One who has a fetish for pubic hair.

G is for

Game Show Host: A man who has the ability to kiss women within moments of meeting them.

H is for

Hiber-Dating: When a person loses contact with friends and family because he or she is spending every minute of free time with a new lover.

I is for

Icolagnia: A fetish for looking at nude photos, images, or statues.

J is for

Jalapeño Finger Poppers: Pleasuring someone with your fingers after handling jalapenos.

K is for

Kicking the Tires: Premarital sex. Origins: From the practice of kicking the tires of a used car prior to purchase.

L is for

Looner: A person with a fetish for balloon popping.

M is for

Masturbation (unisex synonyms): Couch hockey, devil’s handshake, five-knuckle shuffle, hand-to-gland combat, hands-on training, manual override, one-handed clap, scratch an itch, secret handshake …

N is for

Narratophilia: A fetish for dirty talk or sex stories.

O is for

Onion: A person who becomes increasingly less appealing, and possibly worse-smelling, the more layers of clothes he or she removes.

P is for

Penicorn: A fabled penis whose conquests and size are often exaggerated by its owner.

Q is for

Quick Lube: A quickie, usually during lunchtime; regular sexual maintenance required for a human body to run properly.

R is for

Retifism: A fetish for shoes.

S is for

Sexercism: Having sex with a new partner in order to remove the demon of guilt and the emotional baggage left over from the horrible death of a relationship.

T is for

Telephonicophilia: A fetish for phone sex or dirty talk.

U is for

Ursusagalmatophilia: A fetish for teddy bears, as well as for dressing up in animal costumes. A form of plushophilia.

V is for

Vatican Roulette: The rhythm method of birth control.

W is for

Weenis: A tiny penis.

X is for

Xeronisus: An inability to reach orgasm.

Y is for

Your Mom: Apparently she is a very promiscuous woman.

Z is for

Zipper Sparks: Dry humping.

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