The end is here

The world's supposed to end on May 21. Unless…

Anyone driving from Lakeland to Tampa is bound to have seen a billboard announcing May 21, 2011 as the day when the world, as we know it, will end.

This message, presumably from the Lord (or the Lord's deluded followers, depending on your viewpoint), implores drivers to turn away from sin before it's too late.

From my experience, drivers on that particular stretch of the I-4 corridor are too busy texting and riding my ass to think about impending doom, but I have to admit I was at first thrilled by the news. This meant I would no longer have to deal with vindictive IRS auditors, Snooki sightings, or Taco Bell employees who insist I "have a blessed day." Hmmm, I thought. The end of the world has its upside.

But the other day, I found myself staring at that billboard. I thought about recent events, and it occurred to me that perhaps, maybe, the world is already dead.

What else could all this mean?

10 Signs the End of the World Has Happened Already

1. Superbugs are spreading throughout California.

2. I saw three people last week wearing "Who is John Galt?" T-shirts.

3. Dead birds have been falling out of the sky.

4. Steven Tyler is on American Idol.

5. Earthquakes, tsunamis and possible nuclear meltdown in Japan.

6. Tornadoes, floods and generally crazy weather everywhere else.

7. A Democrat got bin Laden.

8. Genetically modified foods are invading our diets.

9. Newt Gingrich is running for president.

10. I got a phone call to audition my family for a new reality television show and turned it down.

Game over, man. Let's just huddle together, drink some vodka, and hope the final demise doesn't hurt too much.

Then again, what if the religious fanatics are on to something?

Maybe the end is yet to come. Will it come quickly or will it be some kind of Stephen King/Kirk Cameron thing where Jews and criminals are left behind, scratching their heads and wondering where everyone is?

Maybe then I'll find a parking spot at Frenchy's on Saturday nights.

However, there's a good chance I might be one of the chosen ones, one of the people who disappears, despite a fondness for porn and a hostility toward faith-based belief systems. If I were God Almighty and about to have a whole lot of people in my back yard looking for salvation, virgins and everlasting life, I'd want to hang out with me.

Yes, if shit goes sideways, I might not be around to help put it back together. Therefore, here are 10 new commandments for you to follow while I haul ass to meet Jesus.

Catherine's Commandments for Those Who Get Left Behind

1. Always use sunblock. And a condom.

2. Never put children or animals in the back of a pick-up truck and then go flying down the highway. Such morons have ruined many a date night when I've insisted that Husband get closer than legally acceptable so I can write down tag numbers and call the Florida Highway Patrol.

3. Forget religion. All of life's lessons can be found in a Beastie Boys album, Sylvia Plath poem, or Coen Brothers film. And none of them requires 10 percent of your income.

4. Never attempt the following without certification: Brazilian wax, perms, or helping kids with homework past age 6.

5. If you get your wife a magnified mirror for her 40th birthday, you don't deserve that blow job you're always whining about.

6. Pay attention in bed. Almost all of you are doing it wrong, both men and women alike. I know this because your partner writes me at least five times a week complaining that no one can find her clitoris. Listen for a change, so I don't have to.

7. Single women — quit complaining. You are the happiest demographic on Earth.

8. Build a temple, put my picture on the east wall, and believe nothing — except that every time you move, I'm watching.

9. Grab an ice cream cone at Bo's and make out with someone in the amphitheatre downtown. Live a little.

10. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Unfortunately, you don't have much time to eat ice cream and build a temple in my honor. May 21, 2011 is Judgment Day and everything completely ends on October 21, 2011.

On May 21st God will raise up all the dead who have ever died from their graves. People who died as saved individuals will experience the resurrection of their bodies and immediately leave this world to forever be with the Lord. Those who died unsaved will be raised up as well, but only to have their lifeless bodies scattered about the face of all the earth.

Please, lifeless bodies don't scare me. I used to hang out at the Volley Club.

See you on the other side.

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