The King of Beers

Brew Confessions

When I lived in Iowa, I had this introverted friend named Mike who always had a beer in hand but rarely anything to say. He wasn't very popular and ignored everybody who didn't ignore him first. Then he discovered the beer bong.

The first few times Mike brought his homemade contraption — clear plastic tubing connected to a red funnel — he would bong one or two light beers and pass it on. Partygoers loved it, patting the normally shy Mike on the back and inviting him to the next party. I think the attention charged him a bit and so, each weekend, Mike would step it up a notch. The next party, he bonged three beers at once. Two weeks later, a quart. Then a 40-oz. One particularly memorable party (for me, not him), he poured a full six-pack of Bud Light cans into a hulking beer bong. Not only did he finish it in one long gulp, he remained standing. We all thought Mike was the king of beers. He had become every house party's main event.

Then, at the last gathering that summer, Mike decided he would beat his own record and that of any man who would hope to challenge him in the future: two 40-oz. bottles of Budweiser. He breathed deep, turned on his favorite Wasp song, put the tube to his lips and let the beer flow. The whole room chanted his name and banged on tables until Mike had drained the last drop. Our champion raised his fist in the air, opened his mouth as if to cheer and promptly fell over. He was out cold the rest of the night.

Mike doesn't beer bong anymore. He doesn't have to; his record, at least in our wide circle of friends, still stands.

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