The libertine’s guide to gallantry: f-ing in the 'friend zone'

The "friend zone" is a misnomer. Plenty of women fuck their friends. Hence the terms fuck-buddy or friends-with-benefits. Furthermore, consider how many people in long term relationships describe their partners as their best friends. Being actual friends with a women is awesome. Being a tool who a woman describes as "just a good friend" is something completely different. This is why I'm renaming the “friend zone” the “unfuckable zone.”

When women say, “I just want to be friends,” what they mean is that they want to continue exploiting your devotion but don’t want to feel obligated to have sex with you. In a sense, you’re the gay friend; unfortunately you only pretend to enjoy shopping, watching bad romantic comedies, and gossiping about other peoples’ relationships. And, unlike gay friends you can’t get away with a playful boob grab, she won’t get naked in front of you, and you can’t convince her to practice kissing with you. You aren’t a friend. You’re a tool.

Men shouldn’t feel bad about aborting a relationship with a woman when they discover she just wants to be friends. Many women use men for nonsexual companionship in the same way that some men use women for commitment-free sex. I’m not saying you can’t have a genuine friendship with the opposite sex or a casual sexual relationship without someone being used. I’m just saying you shouldn’t feel bad for “using” a woman who continues to have sex with you after you’ve explained that you’ll never be more than just fuck-buddies. On the same token, men have no excuse if they continue to be "used" by a woman who has made it clear that you're just good friends.

Men end up in the unfuckable zone because women don't find these men's obsessive devotion or flattery to be attractive. Once this opinion is established it's impossible to change without some time and distance. The more you actively try to change her mind, the farther you push yourself away. Trying too hard to impress a woman displays a lack of confidence, which in turn translates to a lower rank on the social ladder. You are beneath her, and no one wants to date someone who is below their league.

Like children, we want what we can’t have. This desire is a key component of the human experience. It pushes us to strive for that which is just out of our reach, to progress, to better ourselves.

Men who are in the unfuckable zone are too acquirable. They are nice and flattering to the point of sucking up. I’m not saying you should be mean to a woman. Rather, treat her like you would a potential male friend. Don’t text or call her every day. Don’t agree with everything she says just to please her. Don’t get her flowers. Do be a gentleman—open doors and pull out chairs—but don’t be a sycophant. You want to demonstrate that she is your equal and you're in the same league.

More importantly, pussies aren’t fun. Do you enjoy hanging out with someone who constantly agrees with you, calls, or acts hurt if you skip out on plans every once in a while? No. You want someone who is relaxed, who will call you on your bullshit, and who is willing to get into some trouble with you. You want to hangout with someone who is willing to sneak into an apartment complex's hot tub, not a person who only wants to eat at fancy restaurants and go for long romantic walks beneath the stars.

Consider all of your woman-friends who have at some point confessed their love for you. You didn't win their hearts by lavishing them with flowers and chocolates. You did it by staying up all night playing Battleship or teaming up to win a beer pong tournament. The key to avoiding the unfuckable zone is to treat love interests as equals, as people you aren’t interested in fucking.

At a bar, approach women as if they're old friends. Do not walk up spouting complements like a starstruck fan groveling before a celebrity. Talk to her as if you were talking to a friend you’ve known awhile. Joke with her. Don’t immediately complement her. If she’s a vegetarian and you make fun of your friend for being a vegetarian, do the same with her. Don’t let her get away with her bullshit.

When women go out, subconsciously they may be looking for potential mates, but first and foremost they are looking to have fun with friendly people. Do the same. The best way to work your way into a group that contains a hot girl is to be your normal friendly self. Start talking about the awful movie you just saw. Disregard the boring first-date questions about where she grew up or what her major is. Become instant friends. Become the guy she throws her arms around within five minutes of meeting and exclaims, “You’re my new best friend.”

Check out other entries of The Libertine's Guide to Gallantry: the unattractive delusion, why penis size matters, finding your type, the group pick-up, and selective self control.

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