The Mistress Is In: Kink 101

Kink 101

1. Kinky activities are a form of play, and as such, should be conducted in a way that is Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC). Another useful acronym used to the same end is RACK, Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. Pay attention to the words "safe", "risk", and "consensual". Know that when you engage in sado-masochistic or power-exchange play, you are taking a risk, but that there are ways in which you and your play partner can explore safely. The five keys to SSC or RACK play are community, education, negotiations, safe words, and your own common sense.

2. Find a kink community. Whether you're single or a couple, gay or straight, your local kink community is the best, and typically the most reliable, resource you have. The most common way to get to know a community is to attend one of their munches. Munches are free social gatherings, typically held in public venues, where people get together to welcome new members, exchange information, and spend time discussing their fetish interests and activities. When you attend a munch, introduce yourself to the munch organizer. Meeting people within an established community affords you a measure of safety and security.  Munches are meant to be discreet, so leave your spiked corset and collar at home.

Online communities like CollarMe, fetlife, and MyDungeonSpace also provide a more discreet venue for getting to know other kinksters.

3. Education is a must. If you have no idea what you're doing, somebody is likely to end up seriously hurt or permanently damaged.  When exploring impact play (flogging, caning, spanking, and the like), learn which areas of the body to avoid (they're not what you might expect). NEVER pick up a whip, unless you have been extensively trained by an expert. The tip of a whip, when properly cracked, moves faster than the speed of sound - it can burst someone's ear drum. Well, that and the fact that you could accidentally sever an ear, or strip the flesh from some unsuspecting sub's bones.

4. When someone approaches you about playing together, proper ettiquette demands that the two of you negotiate the scope and rules of the scene. Negotiations are essential to SSC play. This is the time to go over your hard limits (things that you absolutely do not want to experience), your prefered activities, safe word protocol, as well as pertinent interests and fantasies. Negotiation styles vary from player to player. Some people will engage in lengthy, detailed negotiations, while others are fine with a quick debriefing. People who transgress against a negotiation should be avoided at all costs.

5. "Stop!" is not a safe word. Safe words are coded responses designed to let the dominant (or top) know when the submissive (or bottom) has reached a breaking point without impinging on the fantasy of the scene. This fulcrum of this breaking point is unbearable physical or mental discomfort. Safe words typically come in one of three forms: unrelated words or phrases that would not normally be used in a scene (like "pink elephant", or "Supercallifragilisticexpeialladocious"); the stoplight system (green is go, yellow is caution, and red is "For the love of God, please stop immediately!"); and in the case of gagged or speech-restricted subs, a physical gesture (rapping a fist, or holding up two fingers).

6. Common sense might be a bit of ironic advice, given the nature of kinky play, but it still has value. If you find yourself strapped to a medical table, ready for some negotiated light electrical play, and the top pulls out a car battery and a pair of electrodes, code (use your safe word) and get out. The best play occurs between players who've established a certain amount of trust through honest communication. Outside of a scene, or a collared relationship, "no" still means "no". If someone approaches you and invades your personal space, or insists on touching you, they're still creepy. In fact, in kink, there is the Rule of No. Assume the answer is always no, unless you've been given an explicit yes.

I'd wrap this all up with some pithy summation, but I despise having to repeat myself. In the weeks and months ahead, you may look forward to more in-depth discussions of power exchange, protocol, particular kinks, and local kink events.

Until I have need of you again,

Mistress Sophie

Ever wonder what goes through the minds of those leather-clad, cruel beauties known as dominatrices? Well, welcome to my world...

My name is Mistress Sophie; I am a lifestyle dominatrix. I enjoy imparting pain and torment as part of the sacred trust between dominant and submissive. In kink parlance, I'm a fem-domme, or female dominant (not to be confused with a professional dominatrix). I do not hate men, nor was I abused as a child. My sadistic tendencies are not the product of a traumatic experience, but evolve from a deeper understanding of the vagaries of the human condition. I grant my submissives a form of existential release: the opportunity to submit to my will, to be an object acted upon, free of ego, conflict, and shame.

But before I can guide you safely through the many circles of Hell and Heaven, I must educate you. The world of kink can be a very scary place without a few basic guidelines. In this, you become my students. Attend to me, boys and girls, your life may depend on it.

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